Big week

So, not only has it been a big week for starting to make changes, it has also been a big week for telling people about my problems. I opened up to my Mum, and also my boss. My Mum was probably the hardest but before Christmas it had to be done. She was ok. She will never properly get it but at least she is aware again and hopefully will see my determination and support me in her own way. However that is.

My boss was lovely. I couldn’t have asked for a nicer response. The main reason for telling her was because there was a big Christmas buffet on Wednesday in the office and despite wanting to try and handle it I wasn’t very confident I would succeed. So, I asked if I could work from our other office and told her why. She was great and now she knows means that if ever there is another similar situation I can avoid it. What a relief that was and yesterday I got loads done without being surrounded by food!

Today, however, the leftover food from yesterday was brought out and put DIRECTLY BEHIND my desk. ARGH!!!! My boss even sent me an email asking if I was ok about it. Bless her. Although, after my initial panic, I feel fine and strong again having not touched anything I didn’t bring myself and now it is time to go home for the week. Phew!!

Turning a corner...in the right direction?

Well, last week was horrible and I was losing all hope thinking that I just needed to resign myself to a life of bingeing and purging as that was all I had become. But then I went to my therapy session on Friday. I had been thinking the therapy was triggering, however, I now think that maybe you just have to get worse and hit rock bottom before you can get up, dust yourself off and start actually recovering. And, my friends, that is exactly how I feel right now.

Friday’s session was all about re-introducing regular meals every day consisting of 3 main meals and 3 snacks. Their guideline is the following:

8am – breakfast
10.30am – morning snack
12.30pm – lunch
3.30pm – afternoon snack
6.30pm – evening meal
8.30pm – evening snack

On paper it looks TERRIFYING. However, I decided to start making small changes to my diet (after having a full on binge after Friday’s session to get the thought “out of my system”). I decided to introduce a PROPER breakfast of cereal and not just an apple, then apple as a morning snack, lunch, more fruit for afternoon snack, dinner and a yoghurt for the evening snack. The 2 hardest ones for me are the proper breakfast and the evening snack. I started this from Monday.

Monday, I managed it. Woohoo!
Tuesday…I managed it…right up until the evening snack which turned into a binge :-(
However, rather than letting it spiral and carrying on into Wednesday and onwards, I dusted myself off and got “back on track” rather than trying desperately hard to starve myself and/or binge again. I might not have managed to have my PROPER breakfast, but, I did start eating again at the morning snack and I managed my evening snack.
Today is Thursday and so far so good. I am not going to get too ahead of myself as I think that is where I went wrong on Tuesday, however, I am looking forward to tomorrow’s therapy for the first time and hoping to build on the good week I have had. Plus, after last week’s session I went for coffee with 2 of the other fellow battlers and we have been supporting each other throughout this week which has been an ENORMOUS help. We are planning to go for a drink afterwards again tomorrow and maybe even our morning snack!

The ongoing struggle

A lot has happened since I last posted on here. I have aged a year, had 2 more group therapy sessions and messed up a lot. Therapy is tough, and although I knew it would be, I am still really struggling with it. I feel like I am getting left behind a bit and not necessarily giving it my all. Part of me isn’t sure I am capable of doing this as I really don’t feel strong enough and another part of me isn’t sure whether it is going to help anyway. I know I am being a bit defeatist, one of my worse traits, but all the therapy has made me do so far is binge and put more ideas in my head when I am trying to get rid of them!!

I am trying so hard to be positive and keep fighting this but each day that goes passed, it just seems to get harder.

Hard to blog

I am finding it hard to blog. Ever since I started my therapy sessions, I feel like I can’t face updating this. I have been very up and down lately. Part of me finds the sessions a trigger and part of me thinks they are helping albeit very slowly. Maybe you have to get worse to start getting better? Currently though all I want to do is binge which I am finding very hard to control. I just want to eat constantly. I have had a few episodes lately where I have binged but haven’t purged and it has made me worse. The more I eat, the more I want to eat and “don’t care”, well, at least until the next day when I have to deal with all the guilt which inevitably occurs. Following these disgusting binges I only feel “back on track” if I can starve myself the following day or do a stupid amount of exercise. It is driving me mad and yet I can’t seem to stop these urges and all I want to do is EAT. I am piling on weight at a rapid rate and soon I am going to be the fattest person at the therapy sessions :-(

The last session, number 3, touched on the biological effects of vomiting, laxative abusive and excessive exercise. I already knew the main facts about the normal forms of purging; vomiting and laxatives, however, I wasn’t aware until now that excessive exercise as a direct result of coping with over-eating is also a form of bulimia. It has really got me thinking that so many more people have problems than would care to admit. I know I am obsessive about exercise whether I am doing enough, too much or none but I hadn’t realised you could interpret over-exercising as a form of purging. However, having listened to the psychologist explain this it all makes sense. I have every symptom of it. I thought exercising was healthy, clearly not in my case!

Results

My phone rarely rings in the morning, however, today it did. It was my doctor. With my bone scan results. She started with the good news, my hips are fine. Yay! However, my spine isn’t. It shows signs of osteoporosis. Now, the normal treatment is a daily calcium and vitamin D tablet and a weekly bone tablet but she isn’t keen for me to embark on a lifetime of daily medication at my age. So, she plans on going back to the rheumatologist to ask their advice as to whether I could try the treatment for a few years and then repeat the scan in, say, 5 years time or whether we just accept the fact I have early onset osteoporosis. I have to contact my doctor again in a month and see what the prognosis is.

I am not sure how I feel about all this really, to be honest, I am not surprised but it does give me even more reason to fight and beat my demons so as to prevent any further health problems associated with eating disorders.

First therapy session

So, Friday 18th November finally came and the first group session is now out of the way. Phew! It was fine, not really sure what I expected but basically there are 7 of us (1 didn’t turn up so there may be 8 next week…if everyone comes back that is…). We started off by working in pairs and then introducing ourselves, we outlined ground rules for the group to make it comfortable for everyone. One being that we are not allowed to talk about any of the others outside of the sessions which is fair enough. The journey we are all embarking on is our own so there is no need to discuss other people’s struggles. The psychologists talked a bit about the plan for the 12 sessions and we did more group work talking about what bulimia means to us and the affects it has, both physical and emotional. We talked about our aims and goals over the 12 weeks, what we want to gain from the group and also our fears and what we struggle with. Finally we came to homework which is something I have always found difficult. This week we have to write down the problems we encounter with our bulimia and the causes they have, and, the dreaded food diary starts. ARGH. However, people who do their homework are more likely to make a full recovery so I must give it a go. The psychologists didn’t put any pressure on though because, at the end of the day, we are only spoiling our own chances of recovery by not participating in the tasks. Plus, even if I only manage to write record a couple of days this week at least I have made a start, then maybe next week I will manage another day…and so on. I can’t start off with a negative, I must do my best. This IS what I want, I want to get better, I NEED to get better and I will no matter how hard it is. Bring on this week’s session, Friday can’t come soon enough.

On hold

Life has been on hold for the last few weeks and now my first therapy session is just 2 days away. I wish I could say my bingeing has been on hold too and that the reason for my absence is because I have made a miraculous recovery on my own. Ha! I wish. No, it is the same old, food and eating ruling my everyday and I have good days as well as bad days. I didn’t want to keep repeating myself on here as I might as well copy and paste a few of my previous posts after a slip up. However, in 2 days time I start my long and hard recovery. I have days when I am so determined to beat this I just want to get stuck into the therapy and get cracking but I also have days when I am so scared I am not strong enough that I will try and fail again. I also have days where I don’t want to get better; I don’t want to imagine life without my demons. They are security, my default coping mechanism. However, I know to be able to truly enjoy life again I HAVE to beat this. I MUST put 110% into this otherwise there is no point in me even starting the therapy. I know it will be the hardest thing I will ever do but if, no WHEN I finally beat this it will be the best thing I have ever done.

Pre Group Appointment

Yesterday morning I had a half hour appointment with once of the psychologists who will be taking the group therapy in TWO weeks. The appointment was a chance to meet her (the other psychologist taking the group is the one I had my assessment with), have a catch up, ask any questions and voice any concerns. There will be a maximum of 10 people in the group, currently there are 5 although there is another lot of assessments taking place prior to the group starting so they expect the number to increase a bit. I hope it doesn’t but beggars can’t be choosers.

The appointment left me feeling very motivated and geared up ready for my therapy to start. It was just what I needed, roll on 18th. I AM READY.

Confession time...

I haven’t been on here lately for a number of reasons. Firstly, I have been away for a short break, secondly I have been ill and thirdly, because I haven’t wanted to admit how far backwards I have I gone lately.

My eating is ridiculous at the moment and has been steadily getting worse over the last few weeks. The binges are more frequent and the purging less so…but to me that is a REALLY bad thing. I am HUGE. I feel like I am swelling up at an alarming rate with the weight I am piling on. I am such a greedy pig and yet I can’t seem to fight the urges. Where has my motivation and determination gone? Why, only a few short weeks ago, I could control the amount of food that was entering my body and yet now I can’t? I feel drained, physically and emotionally drained. I can’t seem to fight anymore, I seem to have given into my demons and am letting them rule my life once again. In the last few weeks I have cancelled plans and generally been a useless friend and what for? Food.

It is disgusting and I HATE it, yet I can’t seem to stop doing it. I have even been hiding it from my husband whereas before I would tell him about any “episode” at least a day after. The secrecy and lies are getting out of hand where it comes to food and bingeing but I can’t seem to stop doing it. It is an ADDICTION and one too powerful to overcome on my own. My therapy is still a couple of weeks away and that feels like a couple of years at the moment. Every day is such an uphill struggle, I start the day with good intentions and then food takes over inevitably ending in a binge. I know I have a choice over whether to give in or whether to fight but at the moment I can’t seem to gain the strength to fight no matter how bad the alternative ALWAYS makes me feel. I don’t know what to do anymore :-(

Anger

Why when I am angry at something or someone I punish myself? I get myself so wound up that I default to my “coping” mechanism and mess up. I think it is a distraction technique and yet it never solves the anger just transfers it inwardly. I know it is stupid and irrational but I seem to do it anyway. The same goes for grief, and weirdly, intense happiness. It is like I don’t feel I deserve to feel happy and allow myself to enjoy anything so I binge and make myself feel awful tarnishing whatever good news I have had.

Reading that back I can see how ridiculous it sounds, the events which trigger those emotions are generally always out of my control and yet I take that control back by punishing myself and creating the feelings I know only too well; disgust and inner hatred.

Time off

This week I am working on the Thursday (tomorrow) because my husband has to have an operation so after I have dropped him off at the hospital I am working from an office nearby. Luckily the surgery is only a few hours so he shouldn’t have to stay in for long. The idea being I pick him up after work. He won’t be out in the evening so my Thursday is sorted. Phew! I don’t have to worry about messing up as I won’t have the opportunity. I am then, from Friday having just under a week off work along with my husband. I cannot wait for a break and to spend some quality time with him as it has been very much lacking lately. We have spent time together but my mind has been elsewhere :-( Next week I am determined to pay him the attention he deserves and ENJOY my 6 days off. We are heading up North with the dog for a few days on Saturday. I am hoping the mini-break does us both the world of good, my husband will be recovering from him surgery and the anaesthetic and I will be away from the stress of home and hopefully new surroundings will mean my problems are left behind. Fingers crossed!

I really hope that this time next week I can report on the amazing few days away we have had and how I properly enjoyed myself for the first time in months.

Laying Low

I have been a bit distant of late and for that I apologise. I am struggling. I can’t deny it, things are tough. However, I am struggling on. Battling against the thoughts and urges and, so far this week, winning.

The main reason my mental state has taken a bit of a knock lately is because I finally got a letter through stating when my group therapy starts. I received the letter in Friday’s post (14th October) and my therapy starts on 18th! OF NOVEMBER!!!! 5 weeks to wait. Now I know I said I didn’t care how long I had to wait and that I just wanted a date to focus on. How wrong was I?! I DO care as 5 weeks seems like a lifetime away at the moment. Although, now it is 4 and a half weeks… See? I am trying to look on the positive side. 30 days to go and counting! And, in the meantime I do have a half hour appointment with a psychologist on 3rd November and at least that is just 2 weeks away. I hate wishing my life away but in this case I have to.

5 weeks and counting...

It has been 5 weeks since my assessment at the clinic and I am STILL waiting to hear when my therapy will be. I am going to leave it one more week before I phone them and enquire. I would have phoned today, however, seeing as I am feeling pretty good this week I will leave it another week in the hope that a letter comes through before then.

Plus, I have my bone scan to think about on Friday so at least I have something lined up...

Off the radar

This week so far has been, all in all, pretty positive for me hence not posting until now. However, I am very wary that I am now going to jinx things. I was worried about tonight as there is another Carer’s Meeting and I was going to be on my own (my mind had already planned and practically eaten the food for bingeing). However, my dear friend who was only due to come for the day tomorrow is now coming up to stay tonight as well. This has literally saved me from what I thought was inevitable. I am now REALLY looking forward to a nice evening catching up. I need to remember this feeling for when I have planned to “mess up” and hold onto it so I don’t because this feeling is how life should be and is reason enough to keep going.

My husband is no longer going tonight, which is another relief to be honest. As much as I wanted him to go I feel guilty that recently I haven’t been keeping up my side of the bargain… Plus, we can celebrate another small victory and have a lovely evening :-)

I feel empowered again and I like it.

False hope

I finally got a letter through from the Clinic. However, it was only a summary of my assessment and the therapy I have been put forward for. All it said was that I had been added to the waiting list. So, I am still very much waiting to find out when my therapy will start. It has been over 4 weeks now, I just want a date to work towards. I don’t care if it isn’t for another 4 weeks, 4 months, whatever I just want to know!!!!

I do have a date for my bone scan though which is next Friday.

Greedy pig

It’s been a tough week but I have struggled on and managed to be “good”. Well, I did manage to be good until last night. I was fine and then it all got a bit too much and I gave in. However, I wasn’t sick so I now feel horrendous and I have realised the last few times I have binged I haven’t always got rid of the food. So, does that mean I am not bulimic anymore and, in fact, just a greedy fat pig? Or just a binge-eater? I feel like a fake. What is best? Bingeing and not getting rid of the food or bingeing and making yourself throw it up again? Ok, so neither option is a good one but I feel awful and wish I could go back in time and either not binge or get rid of the food after. ARGH!! I now don’t want to eat anything today to get myself “back on track”. It is ridiculous, I know. However, I can’t help the way I feel. If I could maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess to start with.

Contrast

So, today I feel fat and I look fat. A *slight* contrast from how I felt about my appearance on Friday. I ate too much over the weekend and now it shows. I hate it, my reflection doesn’t lie I clearly have piled weight on over the space of a few days. I can’t handle it but I feel like now all I want to do is binge just give up on trying to control everything and give in to the urges, get fatter and be more miserable than I am now.

I actually, though it seems hard to believe, enjoyed the weekend. I had a really lovely time with my husband and even managed to relax a bit. However, I ate too much and I ate bad food. I feel HORRIBLE now and feel like I have a food hangover which has completely taken over my thoughts and feelings so now the weekend I enjoyed has been replaced by a weekend where I ate too much and put on weight. I know I should focus on the positive and the fact I did ENJOY my weekend but the negative has taken over and I can’t seem to stop the thoughts invading my head and settling there.

I am trying to distract myself…however, all I can think about is food.

Self hatred

I hate how I look. I am far too thin and yet I can't increase/change what I'm eating without bingeing. I can't handle more or different types of food but I know I look awful, it's not me anymore and when I look in the mirror I hate, no, detest what I see. I know logically it makes no sense, I want/need to increase my weight but I just can't do it without going crazy and eating everything in sight.

Come down

On a bit of a come down today, being tired isn’t helping either. Have had a really busy week and feel a bit lost now that the plans I have been looking forward to for ages are over. I saw one of my closest friends this week for the first time in over a year. She moved to New Zealand nearly 5 years ago and is back over in the UK for a week for a conference. It has been SO good to see her and makes me realise just how much I miss her. I just wish that in 5 years I had rid myself of my demons. However, I am determined not to dwell on this and to use it as more motivation to work hard to get better. Maybe then, I can start saving and focussing on going over to Auckland to visit her. I should save a fair bit of money once I stop the binges so could put this in a travel fund, use it as an incentive to beat this illness.

Also, this week I have been to London to see Shrek, it was amazing and I absolutely loved it. I went with a dear friend of mine and we spent the rest of the day catching up. It was great and I had been looking forward to it for ages. But, like my other friend’s visit, that is now over.

To be honest, I feel a bit deflated and down. I have a very quiet weekend planned, spending it with my lovely husband, and, by the looks of it enjoying the weather! I am really looking forward to it as I love spending time just me and him and it is something we haven’t been able to do for too long but I just feel sad today. Sad and drained. I really hope I can snap out of it by the time I get home as I really don’t want to ruin the weekend for us both, I want to make the most of it. However, I am scared I won’t be able to cheer up (through absolutely no fault of my husbands) and will be miserable all weekend wasting the chance for us to enjoy each other’s company, just the two of us. I really don’t want to do that as I put him through enough already and I know how much he has been looking forward to a weekend off, some quality time together. I want nothing more than to make him happy, but first I need to make me happy and the way I feel at the moment it seems like mission impossible.

Office Party

So, today I am working from a different office to see what goes on behind the scenes in our department. It is a much, nicer, friendlier environment and also closer to home. Everyone I have been introduced to has been lovely and really encouraging, why can’t I work here more often? Unfortunately it isn’t where my boss is based very often so it is unlikely I will come here again.

However, the only downside has been the fact they had an “office party” for a well-loved member of staff’s last day. I knew about this before I came and was one of the reasons they chose today for me to work from here, because more people I needed to meet would be attending. Since I found out about the party, I have been planning to use it as an opportunity to binge. Lots of free food, buffet style and no-one here knows me. Even this morning as I was driving in I couldn’t wait for midday. However, once it got here I made a split-second decision NOT to listen to my head which was telling me to go crazy and eat all the bad food. I, instead, stayed at my desk (apart from for the speeches) and got on with work, and emailing a friend which kept my mind occupied. Without that, it would have been a completely different story and I would now be trying to sneak yet more food to eat at my desk and planning to stop at various shops for more on the way home. I no longer want to do that, I am going to go round to a friend’s house for a cuppa and then go home hopefully timing my arrival with that of my husband. It hasn’t been easy but it is another small victory to hold onto.

Blood tests

So, I had my bloods done and phoned up for the results this morning. The receptionist then informed me that they were back but there was a note on them saying that the Doctor needed to speak to me about them. PANIC!! I then had to wait for her to phone me back. I am not the most patient of people at the best of times but now I had the added worry of what the hell my results showed.

When she did eventually call back, felt like forever, she told me the following:

My oestrogen levels are low
My calcium levels are low
My red blood cell count is a problem

All the results are borderline so no immediate panic, they just need to be monitored and I have to repeat the tests in 2 months time. Plus, once I have the bone scan we will know more as to how the low calcium and oestrogen is affecting my bone density and what the risk of osteoporosis is.

Now, I know this is my own fault and relates directly to my eating but I am still panicking about the fact I need to up my calcium intake in my diet. My diet is currently awful, I know this but the thought of having to change what I can handle is REALLY freaking me out. I know the ins and outs of what I should be eating and what I should be doing but I just can’t seem to be able to put it into practice.

I am scared. I know I am destroying my body by carrying on like this but I can’t seem to take that step to help myself yet. I don’t feel strong enough. I can’[t do this on my own. I just wish the help would come soon and yet having spoken to my doctor it seems the wait will continue…

The waiting game

I haven’t yet received my follow-up letter after my assessment at the clinic. I know it has only been 2 weeks. However, it has still been TWO weeks. I am impatient. I want to know when I am going to start my therapy. I need to start my therapy. I am ready to start my recovery journey NOW, I don’t want to wait much longer. I am not sure I can. I feel like I am on the edge and if I don’t hear soon I will topple over that edge and lose it completely. I am struggling. I can admit that. Please hurry up, I want my life back.

Too busy to blog :-(

Work is getting in the way of my blogging as it as suddenly gone a bit mad. Good in some ways as it means my mind is occupied, not in others as i could really do without the stress or at least wish i could blog about it!!

Had a bad start to the week, felt really low all day Monday and very panicky/anxious. I had to go into work later as i had a meeting to minute (which i hate) and the change in my routine really messed with my head. As a result i couldn't concentrate on the meeting at all and found myself stressing about food, weight and all my default self-destruction thoughts. It was awful and then i could not snap out of it or "turn my brain" off when i got home. Was so glad when it was over and also so glad i had the use of a dictaphone for the meeting, otherwise when it comes to typing the minutes up today they would be all about how fat and disgusting i am and how much i want to binge...not sure my work colleagues need/want to know that.

Confidence crisis

I had my haircut yesterday and I hate it. It desperately needed doing as it hadn’t been cut for over 3 months, since the wedding, so when my Mum said her hairdresser was going to hers yesterday I asked if I could join her. The warning sign should have been the fact that it was MY MUM’S HAIRDRESSER. However, as it was my day off I went round and showed her photos from the wedding so she could see how I wanted my hair cut. She clearly ignored these and chopped far too much off. I like my hair to frame my face but be a bit longer than chin level as I like the security of having it there and it hiding my chubby chin(s) and round face. It no longer does this, it sits just above and that is if I straighten it as much as it will straighten.

The hairdresser also had the cheek to tell me there were “a lot of grey hairs” underneath. Thanks. I thought going to the hairdresser was supposed to make you feel good about yourself?

I don’t have a lot of self-confidence anyway but now I have even less. I look like a boy. At least it will grow and I hope it grows back very quickly. On the plus side (I am trying desperately hard to look at the positive) at least I won’t have to have it cut for ages.

Argh take two!!!

And now, the woman who was gorging on crap food earlier is commenting on the fact that I eat a lot of grapes. Well, love, you have eaten enough to feed an army today so LEAVE ME ALONE. At least what I am eating is healthy. Oh, and she is eating AGAIN.





Is it 2.30pm yet? Only 1 hour 20 minutes to go...

Panic!

I had a bad night last night. The feeling of empowerment from Wednesday went completely out of the window when the plans I had made fell through at the last minute. So, with the husband out at his weekly Tai Chi class, I panicked and defaulted to my normal “coping” mechanism and binged. So, I barely slept and today feel AWFUL. I hate myself and feel like I have let my husband down after all the effort he has made for me this week, and I know I have let myself down.

I need to stop myself dwelling on it and not punish myself for it but it is so hard. However, today is a new day, another fresh start and having just read a very inspiring poem (below) I will continue my fight.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

Argh!!

The woman who sits opposite me at work literally hasn’t stopped eating since I got here at 9.30am…its is now 10.15. It is driving me mad!! She is eating “bad food” and it is making me want to do the same!! GO AWAY! I feel sick watching her and think I must look like that mid-binge… However, it doesn’t put me off just makes it seem normal.

She has just justified the amount she is demolishing by saying “it’s medicinal”. Really? No, it is disgusting and NOT NORMAL.

Is it 2.30pm yet? I need to get out of here.

Carer's meeting

My husband went to one of the local monthly carer's meetings earlier tonight. I had told him about it but didn’t expect him to go to the first available one, however, I am so pleased he did. He came back very shell-shocked but glad he went. He said it was really hard but good to talk to other people, mainly parents, about the situation and how to cope with it and support me as best he can. With him going to the meeting, it has really spurred me on in my fight, if he is willing to make that much effort and show that much commitment then the least I can do is the same.

So, I had a night in on my own and was fine, feel quite empowered when he came home but guilty that he has to go in the first place. Hopefully not for too long as my fight continues!!

Money

My husband will tell you I am very careful with my money and like to save where I can on everyday items. I like to treat myself (and him) when I can but primarily I am constantly on a mission to spend as little as possible and worry about running out of money. My husband is always reassuring me that we are fine and can afford to do the things we want and also save a bit here and there. However, I seem to think we are going to go bankrupt at any moment. I know it is a good thing to be careful with your finances and better to be overly tight than the opposite and be in debt but I take it to the extreme with my constant worrying and fretting about it. It is like another obsession to occupy my mind and it drives me mad. If I am not stressing about food then it is money.

The stupid thing about it is that I am really tight when it comes to buying the weekly groceries and essentials. Yet, if I want to have a binge it goes completely out of the window and I will waste a stupid amount on food that is quite literally going down the toilet. It makes no sense whatsoever but I still do it. Money is never an issue then and I really could do with it being one to stop me or at least stall me anyway.

Why is that? How can I be SO controlled over my spending on treats and essentials and yet not care about throwing money away on food for a binge? It makes no sense and maybe the more I dwell on this, the more I can start to realise I need to be controlled on the binge spending and not so much on everything else…

Fat and Hopeless

Today I feel HUGE. I feel like I have eaten way too much over the weekend and, as a result, put on a ton of weight. I feel bloated, disgusting and damn right horrible. I know it is irrational and stupid but I can’t stop the thoughts. It is making eating anything today very difficult. The worse thing about it is I have had a lovely weekend. Just what I needed, the right balance of relaxing with my husband and also catching up with very good friends and yet today I woke up feeling HORRIBLE. I can’t stop the thoughts, feeling fat and not wanting to eat.

I feel like since the build up to my appointment and getting it out of the way last week, I am now completely falling apart and losing the control I have been fighting so hard to keep. I can’t get the thought that I was the fattest person in the waiting room out of my head either, that I am a fraud who doesn’t deserve help and I need to get worse to prove I do have a problem. The thoughts are driving me mad today, I want to shut my eyes and make the world stop. Being tired today isn’t helping my motivation either.

Work, of course, doesn’t help. My boss is on a diet which is nice, but I don’t care. Harsh but true. It is a colleague’s birthday so there are more cakes, luckily not near me though. I have been invited to the pub for lunch, I declined. I simply cannot handle it AND I would have to stay here an hour longer. No thanks. I feel like it is an endless reference to food and eating and all I want to do is forget about it!!

And breathe.

Slowing down

At yesterday’s appointment, it became apparent that I really need to learn to say no more. And really need to slow down and stop trying to do too much. I need to have more “me” time although we all know that time to myself isn’t always the best thing… So, I need to strike up a balance. I hate letting people down but know I need to learn to say no to things. That it is ok to want to have a night in and chill out and meet friends at a later date. At the moment I tend to check my diary and, if it is free just say yes to plans regardless of what else I am doing on other days and I end up with a jam-packed social life and hardly any time to breathe. Now, I don’t want to sound ungrateful as I LOVE my friends and want to see everyone as much as possible and, if I was well, that might be possible but at the moment it is making me worse. I am shattered just thinking about all the things I have “booked” in. So, unfortunately I am going to have to start postponing (NOT cancelling) arrangements until I feel stronger and can cope with going out more and doing things. I have to be selfish (something I REALLY struggle with, as I don’t feel worth enough to put myself first) and slow things down. Don’t get me wrong, I will still go out and socialise but in moderation and with plans a lot better planned out than everything at 100 miles an hour. I am exhausted so I need to rest.

I am starting to learn I need to look after myself first and if that involves staying in and chilling out so be it. However, if it involves going out and seeing people even better. But, I have to make sure I am in the right frame of mind so that friends have my full attention and not me in a state of trance fantasising about food and sleeping…

I hope you all understand. It really isn't you, it's me ;-)

The Appointment

My appointment was at 3pm. I made sure I was in work mega early so I could leave in plenty of time to get to the hospital and find the clinic. I was ridiculously early, and ridiculously nervous. I had been fine all morning until I parked up, then I started to panic and wanted to run away. However, I composed myself and headed to the clinic. The waiting room was empty so I took my seat at 2.45pm and clock watched. Other people started turning up to their appointments and they all looked much worse than me so I began to feel like the fattest person in the world AND a fraud wasting NHS time. 3pm came and went and then, at 3.10pm I was called through…by a very familiar face. It was the same psychologist I saw about 6 years ago, the last time I had therapy. This REALLY unsettled me and made me feel even more of a failure being back in the same situation SIX years on. However, it actually worked out better that I knew her and she already had all my background from before AND, more importantly, I knew I got on with her. When she asked me to speak, I couldn’t. I burst into tears (something I am desperately trying not to do now). I found it really hard to talk and all the things I had rehearsed so well in the days and weeks leading up to this appointment went out of my head. I felt like a lost little girl again, scared of the future and what it might bring. Not wanting to let go of a part of me that has ruled my life for at least the last 17 years, probably longer, and yet knowing I have to in order to get on with my life. Eventually I composed myself and began to tell her of my recent struggles and my current situation. Telling her what I tend to eat on a typical “good” and “bad” day was incredibly difficult but I did it. I was honest and true to myself, no matter how disgusting listing the binges made me feel.

Once I had finished pouring my heart out to her, she started to talk of my therapy options. There were ones I had tried before and ones I hadn’t. We came up with the idea of group therapy which is a much more practical approach to recovery and something I have never done before. It looks a lot more suited to my “doing” nature as opposed to the more theory based treatments. It sounds a lot more positive than other approaches and involves 12 sessions lasting one and a half hours once a week led by 2 psychologists. Then, a 3 month individual follow up one-to-one with a psychologist. However, before I am allowed to be put on the waiting list for the next set of group sessions, the psychologist had to go off and discuss my case with her colleagues to make sure they agreed this was the best treatment plan for me. So, it was back to the waiting room once more.

I waited about 20 minutes before being called in. Once again feeling like the biggest person in the room but trying desperately to ignore these thoughts as everyone is different and all that.

I sat down in the consultation room and the psychologist said her colleagues agreed that group therapy was the best option for me. However, there is “up to” an 8 week wait, which translates as there is an 8 week wait! Nevermind, I am in the system and have a plan. Also, if I don’t get on with this form of treatment then I don’t have to carry it on they will find another therapy that works for me. It seems they are more willing this time to invest the time and proper effort in me (which (I obviously have to match by sticking to my treatment plan) to make sure I rid myself of this horrible illness once and for all. There is also help for my husband if he wants it, a monthly carers meeting and they offer sessions for couples and family members if you want/need them. Something, a bit further down the line will be useful I think. People forget about the other halves in these struggles and my husband puts up with A LOT. I promise to reward him soon(ish) though when I am better and living life to the full with him by my side!

The REAL fight starts NOW.

Today's the day!

I feel ok about it, quite positive really which I am guessing is a good thing. Today is the start of the rest of my life. Scary but exciting. I CAN do this and I WILL do this. No other distractions, full focus on the road ahead and the journey I am embarking on. My love of travel and challenges is kicking in. I know it won’t be easy but nothing worth doing ever is!

Tomorrow

It is my appointment tomorrow. I am not really sure how I feel about it now to be honest. I think I just want to get it out of the way. Today is dragging, although so does everyday as all I can think about is food.

Part of me is looking forward to tomorrow and finally being able to pour my heart out about my recent and long-term struggles to a professional, but the another part of me is dreading it. Dreading letting go of all these thoughts and feelings which completely rule my life on a daily basis, and another part of me really doesn’t want to go at all and to just carry on as I am. However, I know this isn’t an option. I can’t go back on this, I HAVE to go. I haven’t waited nearly 6 weeks from when I first sat in front of the doctor and told him I needed help. Again.

I am SO scared. Scared of the unknown, this is the first time I have gone to an assessment or appointment with this much determination and realisation that I am ready to move on and get my life back. I am scared they won’t take me seriously and will dismiss me as a timewaster who has had all the help in the past and still isn’t better. I am scared they won’t be able to help me at all and will cast me aside as a lost cause. I am scared of the hard work and the HUGH changes I am going to have to make over the coming months. Most of all though, I am scared of failing. In fact, I am terrified of failing. I can’t live like this any longer, it is literally destroying me and yet am I really strong enough to beat this? I feel like I am on mission impossible most of the time with this but I guess I won’t know until I try.

Wish me luck, I am going to need lots of it.

Neglect

Having had a really lovely weekend with a very good friend of mine it has made me realise how much I have been neglecting those close to me because of my issues. I have been rubbish with people who are so precious to me and it makes me feel awful. However, it also makes me realise how much I want to fight this, how much I want to be able to see my closest friends and family more regularly and NOT either cancel at the last minute or just hide myself away.

I want to apologise to everyone and say that I am trying and I will be a better friend in future, once I have dealt with things enough to be able to stick to plans and keep up arrangements. For those people I do manage to see more regularly, I promise to be more alert and concentrate more when I am with you not feel distracted or not want to be there.

I love you all and I really want to beat this. Once and for all so I can enjoy the good times and have fun with you all again xxx

Upb(eat)

You may have noticed from the tone of my earlier post, I am feeling a bit more upbeat today. Not sure if it is because it is Friday and I am actually looking forward to the weekend or because I have been ok this week (since Tuesday) or because my appointment isn’t very far away now. Whatever the reason I am trying to hold onto this feeling and keep positive. I had a good night last night with a friend where normally Thursdays are hard for me with the husband out. However, this week I made plans AND stuck to them, not allowing myself to be on my own. A big achievement for me. Don’t get me wrong, it was still really hard to resist the urge to make the most of a free house for the evening, but, I ignored that temptation and had a lovely night catching up. I need to remember these times, I enjoyed my catch up a million times more than I enjoy the guilt and revulsion of a binge.

Maybe I am making progress? Or maybe I am going the other way and enjoying the fact I am managed to control the food I am putting (or not) into my body and in denial that this is a better option? By this, I don’t mean I am actually starving myself, however, I know deep down I am not consuming anywhere near enough food for the amount I do everyday. In my head, this is better than losing control and having too much then needing to be rid of it…but is it really? It is all I can manage at the moment and I feel a bit happier so for now I am going to go with it.

Dominos

And now Dominos are sending me emails AND text messages with their latest offers. Give me strength! I haven’t ordered pizza for a LONG time, why can’t they leave me alone, it is like a constant reminder all the time when I am trying SO hard to be good and keep my control. The thing is I love pizza but I can’t just eat enough to enjoy it or until I am full, as soon as I start I want more, more, more! Are you noticing a theme here?!

A cake update too: I managed to resist the lure of the cakes, chocolates, etc. However, they are STILL here today. Roll on home time, I need to get out of here and into the fresh air!

Cakes!!

ARGH! It is someone’s last day today and she has brought in LOTS of cakes. Not only that but she has left them right next to my desk and there is hardly anyone else in the office. It is like torture. I want to devour them all.

I don’t normally even work Thursdays but this week I am due to the Bank Holiday. I thought it might be good to have work as my distraction to my normal Thursday f*ck up but now I am really wishing I wasn’t here. The cakes are going to stare at me for another 3 and a half hours. I don’t know what is worse, being at home on my own all day or at work with cakes right by my desk.

Why can’t I just ignore them? Or be “normal” and just have one? Because I love cakes and it is a typical end of binge food, a food I generally deny myself as I can’t just have one I have to have more. Once I start eating, I lose control. HELP!!

I am trying to be strong, maybe I will make a coffee…

The most annoying thing about it is the fact I was doing ok this week and starting to feel a bit more positive about things. My appointment is less than a week away, I have filled out the questionnaire and, after the weekend, I am ready to hit this problem head on. I need to focus on that and not the cakes. I can be strong, I can ignore the bad food and I can get through the rest of the day. Wish me luck!

:-(

My weekend in Brighton was a total nightmare for me. For any "normal" person it would have been a great break away in a hotel with the husband, eating and drinking lots and catching up with good friends. For me, it was torture. I didn't cope well at all and am now really struggling not to completely lose it and totally spiral out of control. I knew it was going to be challenging and tough but I feel like I lost the battle and am falling apart. I can't cope with the disgusting amount of food I ate, mainly because I couldn't get rid of any of it. I know I have put on weight and I feel disgusting and HUGE. I am now so scared of going downhill and totally spiralling out of control and yet all I want to do is binge, carry on where the weekend left off. I hate myself for letting go and taking a million steps backwards but most of all I am ashamed of myself. I've let ev eryone down and I detest myself for it.

The stupid thing is I really enjoyed seeing my friends again and spending time with my hubby, I jsut couldn't cope with the fact the weekend centred around food. I am nowhere near ready for a situation like that I was stupid to think I was or even attempt it. I am far too emotionally unstable to deal with any situation outside of my "normal" routine at the moment. I tried 3 days of it and basically just set myself up for a massive fall. I am dreading my appointment next week, but at the same time it can't come soon enough. I just hope they take me seriously because I don't look unhealthy, far from it. I am not underweight, my BMI is well within the "healthy" range and this scares me, I worry they won't look passed that and see how this problem completely and utterly rules my life, ruins me life and has taken over everything.

Home Alone

I have come to the conclusion that I can’t spend too much time alone. I am not strong enough to spend evenings on my own at the moment as I just can’t fight the urges, it takes over and consumes me. Literally. I try to fight but I am so tired all the time it becomes too much and once I start to eat that is it and I can’t stop.

I didn’t want to write this today, I feel disgusting and ashamed with myself especially as I had been having a good day yesterday. Heard some amazing news from a friend first thing in the morning and then kept myself busy…until the evening when I fell apart. I felt so down and depressed and just resigned myself to my fate. Now, I feel horrible and really don’t want to eat anything to get myself “back on track”. However, I know that is a REALLY stupid idea and will be completely counter-productive. Plus, I need to be as strong as I can be ready for the weekend away.

The thing that scares me about yesterday is more that I quite enjoyed the binge once I got started and I didn’t mind the whole process. I was bored at home and it gave me something to do. I ate food I love and liked the taste…I just couldn’t stop at one piece of “bad” food; I had to have packets and loads of everything. All or nothing. The only part I really don’t enjoy is knowing that I couldn’t get rid of ALL the food, only a part of it. That scares me, as does the fact I want to do it all again today. I can’t let myself though, otherwise the weekend will be even more of a struggle than I have a feeling it will already be. I want to be able to relax and just enjoy my time catching up with friends, eating nice food and drinking nice wine. I don’t want to feel the guilt after every mouthful of anything and the panic rising inside me taking over my concentration and ruining my mind. I am going to try to breathe deeply and be as rational as I can, I want to have fun and enjoy my life again I just wish it was easier.

2 weeks to go

My assessment is 2 weeks today and it feels like an age. Time appears to be at a standstill and I just want it over with. I want to find out if they are going to offer me treatment and if so, what kind? How often? Etc. It is driving me mad. The questionnaire is still very much getting to me, when do I fill it in? On the day or before? ARGH!! So many questions and no answers, I just have to wait.

To make matters worse today ALL I want to do is eat, I feel like I am losing the control I am so desperately trying to grab hold of. I find it hardest during the day as I feel like I can’t distract myself sat at a desk in a near silent office. The time drags and all I focus on is 2.30pm when I can shut down and get home. Then, when I am home I take the dog for a short walk and await the husband’s arrival home. I feel safe once he is home and I am no longer alone. However, usually by the time he does get home I am seriously on edge and very snappy. I bet he wishes he’d stayed at work. I try so hard to be cheerful and happy but the constant stressing all day takes it’s toll and I am shattered all the time. I wake up tired as I don’t sleep very well and then the daily grind starts again.

I just wish I could switch my brain off.

Weekend away

We are away this coming weekend, 2 nights in Brighton visiting friends we met on honeymoon. I can’t wait, it is sure to be lots of fun and will be great to have a couple of days away from everything. However, it will involve lots of eating…well, lots for me at least. The panic is starting to set in and I really don’t want it to ruin the weekend. I wish I could just switch off from it all just for the weekend and let myself truly enjoy it without stressing about the fat/calorie/health content of everything that passes my lips. I am trying to reason with myself, see the weekend as a reward for how much better I am doing at the moment and my determination to carry on but at the back of my mind is voice telling me I either need to starve myself this week in order to eat normally for a weekend or I can just have a massive blow out at the weekend and carry on until my appointment…

Questionnaire

I have quite a long questionnaire to fill out and take to my appointment (just over 2 weeks to go now) and I was going to fill it in before so I am well-prepared. However, having read through it I think it is best to leave it until either the day before or even on the day as it asks how many times I have binged and purged/taken laxatives in the last week/month/year/etc. The questionnaire panics me. A lot. Mainly because I am trying so hard NOT to binge/purge/whatever that I feel like I either need to lie in it OR start bingeing now to justify my appointment. Now I know this is stupid and irrational because the problem is still very much there but I really want them to take me seriously and I feel that unless I am REALLY bad and obviously so they will put me to the back of the list or turn me away. I can’t lie, that isn’t an option for me as I need to be true to myself.

I wish I didn’t have 2 weeks to wait to stress about it and wind myself up even more.

Day off

I am finding this post hard to write. Yesterday I had a day off, both from work and from being “good”. The strange thing about it is that I don’t feel like I have messed up, I don’t feel guilty for it and scarily I quite enjoyed it. This worries me slightly.

My day went as follows:

Lovely long dog walk and chat with a very good friend in the morning, trip into town to pay a cheque into the bank and then onto another friend’s for a healthy (safe) lunch following by an afternoon hospital follow-up appointment for my back.

I can’t work out where it went “wrong” really. Actually, I kind of can as all the food I have been denying myself but still fantasising about became more appealing than my willpower to stop myself indulging. The problem is I can’t just have one of these foods, I have to have as many as is possible and then get rid of them. I wish I could just stop at one but it is all or nothing and because I deny myself these “treats” I want as many of them when I do allow myself some as possible. I enjoyed every minute of eating the food but inevitably I then had to get rid of it.

I think one of the main problems was the fact I have been talking about my issues a lot lately. Now, sometimes this helps, but other times it just makes the desire and urge to give in too great. So, when the opportunity arose the desire was too much for me and more inviting than another day of fighting against it. Talking keeps the idea and thought of “slipping up” at the front of my mind which sometimes helps me keep fighting, but other times makes it near on impossible to fight.

What worries me though is that I don’t have the guilt today, I feel like I was allowed a day off and can now resort back to “normal”, well normal for me at the moment. However, I also feel like I want to binge again having quite “enjoyed” it yesterday. When I say enjoyed it I mean enjoyed the taste of all the “bad” foods I ate. Part of me wants to fight and get back on track but part of me wants another day off. I need to keep busy and focussed. I need the part of me that wants to fight to step up a gear and win. I am weighing up my two options seeing as I am at work and can’t think about anything else. If I fight, I will wake up tomorrow and feel refreshed, start the weekend off with a good day. If I give in, I will wake up tomorrow either wanting to continue my binge or feeling very guilty and miserable. If I fight, I will be back on track with another good day and Thursday can be forgotten about. If I give in, the feeling of being a failure and letting everyone down will start to kick in. If I fight, I don’t have to come on here next time and confess. Again. If I give in, the feeling of failure while typing my confession will probably drive me to another binge. If I fight, I set myself up for a good weekend with friends who are staying, if I give in I won’t want them to come and will be quiet and on edge instead of happy to see them.

I think I may have just answered my question. Now, where are the boxing gloves?

Sleeping downstairs

I also had another small victory on Wednesday night.

We have a sofa bed in our living room, it is our spare bed and the mattress is a lot better for my back than our normal one so I like to sleep downstairs at least once a week. However, sometimes this is a REALLY bad idea and sometimes I choose the night I sleep on the sofa bed because I want to binge on food in the kitchen which is usually after I have been drinking too which always adds fuel to the fire. My husband has caught me out a number of times but I always snap at him and tell him to “leave me alone” as I am too far gone to stop. If only I would listen…

Anyway, on Wednesday because we had been out of the house all evening and the dog was shut in all night, I didn’t want to come home and go straight to bed. I wanted to spend time with the spoilt pooch. So, because it was late, I decided that sleeping downstairs was the best option as it meant spending time with the dog but not having to stay up any later. My husband was understandably wary of my decision but he would never stop me (although sometimes would suggest sleeping downstairs too which sends me into a massive panic if I am planning a binge) and so we got the sofa bed out. The thought of bingeing was at the back of my mind but so was the fact that it was late, I was nearly 10 days down and I didn’t want the guilt and shame waking up with me on Thursday morning. So, I just went to bed. I didn’t sleep well as food was at the forefront of my mind but I didn’t binge. Another small step taken.

Out of my control

My husband and I went to an old friend’s for dinner on Wednesday night, my husband is a tradesman and he was doing a small job for our friend so I went along too for a catch up. Now, sometimes when a meal is completely out of my control I panic and can’t handle it choosing to rather pretend I am ill so I avoid eating any food or I cancel my plans. However, on Wednesday I was fine with it. My friend is Turkish and cooked us some traditional food which was lovely and I thoroughly enjoyed. Normally I would panic at the fact it was fried, there was fatty food in it and the portion size wasn’t one of MY portions but I didn’t, I just ate it. I did stress a bit afterwards but tried to ignore it as a one-off this week. Why can’t I do that everytime? Why, normally, do I sit there eating as slowly as possible not wanting the food in front of me, only seeing the grease and fat on my plate and a mountain of food I don’t want to climb? I am proud of myself for Wednesday and really hope I can achieve this more often.

Clothes shopping

Shopping for clothes is my idea of hell. I always feel out of place in women’s clothes shops and I have no idea of or interest in fashion. I have no idea what looks good so always opt for “safe” clothes. I avoid shopping like the plague and will only ever go alone if I am actually going to buy something so I end up wearing the same old clothes for years.

My biggest problem is that everytime I go clothes shopping I am a different size. With my various eating issues my weight fluctuates a lot and so I always have to try clothes on when buying new ones. I swear changing room mirrors are designed to make you feel enormous and clothes sizes vary massively in different shops. It is hell. Often, I get so upset, disheartened and panicky that by the second shop I have gone home…or gone to a food shop to make myself feel even worse.

I have tried going shopping with friends but I always feel like a spare part and SO uncomfortable next to all the pretty, fashionable girls. I have no idea what looks good and feel embarrassed trying things on when with others. So, I always end up following them round like a lost sheep or waiting by the door for them to finish.

Silence is NOT golden

The office is unbelievably quiet for open plan. It is quite unsettling for me and makes me feel like I am being watched, if I do something wrong or make a slight noise someone will pounce and tell me off! So, when it comes to my mid-morning apple-eating ritual I feel like the noise eating the apple makes is too loud. Maybe that is why my colleague felt the need to comment? She made another comment the other day too but I managed to ignore her.

I like to work in a friendly environment with a bit of background noise and the odd bit of talking here and there but that rarely happens here. Maybe that is why the days drag SO much. I work more efficiently if I don’t feel like I am being watched and when I am in a more relaxed atmosphere. It is VERY uptight here. I also need distractions at work, things to take my mind away from food. Yesterday, for example, I spent the majority of my day browsing menus and planning what I would eat if I was going to binge. I did all this in between working on the odd letter here and there - my boss is in meetings a lot of the time and because I am still relatively new I have to wait for her to be around to check things even though it is hardly rocket science but it gets really frustrating when I am forever waiting for someone else to approve something before I can do the next thing on my list. Plus, it makes for a very dull day. Anyway, getting back to my favourite/worst subject: food. I love planning ahead to a binge and deciding the kinds of things I want to include, the “forbidden” foods, the calorific and sugar-laden treats. I can spend hours doing this until eventually I either have to binge or I have to get away from my computer. At work, this is SO easy for me to do and not good. Although, I am hoping maybe I will get bored of it. It is such an obsession now and I am trying desperately not to do it but when all that you can think about is food and good/bad foods it is SO hard.

So far today, I have looked at one menu and selected 3 different meal choices:

1. The healthiest and only option I can cope with if having to eat with others.
2. The most calorific and “naughtiest” option for a time when I want to binge afterwards.
3. What I would actually order if I could cope with choosing what I wanted rather than what is the healthiest/lowest fat.

I am hoping to try and curb the menu-surfing so once in the first hour of being at work is quite good for me, I will try my hardest not to succumb to many more. Today, at least.

The ongoing struggle of work

As I have said previously I find work a struggle. Trying to be “normal” when inside I am far from it. I always wish the day away, count every hour sometimes every half hour depending how much I am struggling. I can’t concentrate on things and my attention span is virtually non-existent. The actual work itself generally gets done but it never interests me, I can never lose myself in it as my mind is always elsewhere. The thing is though, however much I hate being at work constantly fighting if I am off-work unless I am busy I have too much time to think and too many opportunities to binge. It is a no-win situation. No matter where I am at the moment I would always rather be somewhere else but yet my mind and the thoughts follow me wherever I go so there is no escape :-( I feel trapped, even when I am being “good”.

I have tried many times to make a fresh start with a more positive attitude, try a different approach but the problem never goes away. Running away is a short-term solution because inevitably the real issues catch up with you.

7th September can’t come soon enough and yet I know I can’t rely too much on this date as this will only be the start of the tough journey ahead…

"Normal"

I had a “normal” weekend. Went to stay with friends and had a lovely time. However, I was SO distracted fighting with my head all the time. Trying to reason that eating “normally” was ok and I wasn’t going to wake up on Monday the size of a whale. Being surrounded by friends the whole time meant there wasn’t an opportunity to do anything anyway and also meant I had to eat. It didn’t stop the thoughts of wanting to binge overnight while everyone else was asleep but luckily tiredness took over and I was fine.

I am ridiculously tired now though which never helps, makes the fight so much harder and the urge to binge so much greater. So far I haven’t succumbed to it but at the back of my mind I feel like each minute, hour, day that goes by is just delaying the inevitable to a later date. At the moment I am so determined that I feel strong enough to keep going but it is so draining and I am miserable and distracted ALL the time. I can barely concentrate on anything and even when I am reading my mind is thinking about food.

However, I WILL keep going. I want my life back and to be able to enjoy things again without fearing the next meal and then stressing and panicking for hours after it.

Positive?

Just had my weekly 1:1 with my boss here and she is really pleased with me. This is positive. This is something I need to remember when I am struggling. I can work AND fight. I don’t feel very good at my current role, I don’t feel like I am worth a lot however, other people seem to. This is something I know I need to hold onto and start to believe. I honestly don’t feel like I offer much in the way of work skills and I honestly don’t think I am very good at what I do. I work hard when I have work to do but never feel a sense of achievement. I just feel empty. Why is that? Why can I never be satisfied? Why am I never happy? Why can't I look at myself in the mirror? Why am I doing this to myself?

These are the questions I need to address. When I am ready.

Small victory

I have Thursdays off work and the husband goes to Tai Chi for 3 hours in the evening so for me this is a tough day. The urge to binge (if I haven’t already in the week) usually beats me on Thursdays and in some ways I look forward to it. Finally being able to give in and eat all the “bad” foods and purge as much as I like, all day if possible. However, this week the husband was off too as he had a hospital appointment and I had to play taxi. So, I decided that seeing as I am trying to fight this illness and I am more determined than I have ever been, I would have a “good” day. I even treated my husband to lunch and ate a “normal” amount myself. However, I then panicked. I had made plans for the evening to go for a dog walk and chat with a friend so as not to be alone in the house. But, the more the food in my stomach swelled, the more the urge to binge took over. So, I cancelled on my friend and then began to plan (in my head) just what delights I was going to buy and binge on. I encouraged my husband to go out earlier to Tai Chi so I would have even longer and told him it was ok as I was seeing my friend…why do I lie? I HATE myself for lying but it just fuels my urge more and more. However, he could tell something was wrong was overly quiet. The main reason I was so quiet was because I was having an argument in my head. One part of me was only interested in bingeing but another part of me was trying to reason about the inevitable waste of money it would be AND the fact we are going away this weekend and I really didn’t want to mess up and potentially ruin the weekend ahead by stressing about my slip up. My husband then turned to me and said: “I won’t go to Tai Chi if you don’t want to be on your own.” He knew!! Was it that obvious? I reassured him I would be fine…and then decided to go upstairs and do my stretches routine (I have to for my back although I stress big time if I miss a day…)

Whilst upstairs doing my back stretches the argument in my head continued with the urge to binge winning until, out of nowhere, I decided I wasn’t going to give in. So, I sent my husband (who was downstairs) a text. The message read: “Please can you stay with me tonight? Maybe get an early night? I’m not strong enough to by on my own yet.”

I then went downstairs and owned up to him about my previous plans for the evening. He was amazing, really not sure what I would do without him but having that support spurs me onwards in my fight.

I spent the rest of the evening feeling empowered and chilled out, which is not something I usually feel in the evening. I usually feel like all I have done is delay a binge until the first opportunity when I am alone. I finally managed to win my first real battle. It was REALLY hard and I still REALLY want to give in and binge but I did it. Small steps.

Appointment

I got home from a rather crap day at work and there was a letter waiting for me from the ED clinic asking me to phone up and schedule an appointment for my initial assessment at a date and time convenient for me. I guess this is to reduce missed appointments. My bad as the last appointment I had in May 2010 I didn't go to... So, anyway, I rang up at 3.45pm and asked to speak to the admistrator. She was on the other line and so they took a message for her to ring me back. 45 minutes passed and no phonecall. Now, i am not a very patient person so i decided to ring again. This time she answered but when i said who i was she replied with, "i was going to phone you back tomorrow." Well, love, i just saved you a job AND the NHS a few pennies!! So, my appointment is on Wednesday 7th September at 3pm.


4 weeks and counting.

ARGH!!

So, I am eating an apple at my desk and the lady next to me decides to comment: “I can tell what time it is.” Damn my controlled eating habits…I can only eat after I have been in the office for an hour. It is like a reward. Feel like I am now being watch though and am scared to touch anything else. Don’t even want to eat my apple anymore. Why do people have to comment at all? I am already paranoid and conscious about it. FFS.

Work...

Work has always been an issue for me as the eating problem takes over and I can’t focus on anything else. I have had so many jobs and always hope that the next one will be a fresh start with new people and will distract me from the real issues underneath. Inevitably though, running away from the problem is never going to solve it and when it catches up with me I just want to hide away. My current job is a temp one, covering maternity leave at the County Council. So far it seems ok. It is only 20 hours a week (having had back surgery at the beginning of the year, full-time office work isn’t really an option) so I work Monday – Wednesday and Friday 9.30-2.30. On my second day the woman who sits opposite me asked me if I had an eating disorder. Lovely! Not the best start to a new job. She was asking, not because I look like I do (!), but because she was trying to find out what I had in common with people in the office and another girl has an ED. Excellent. Just what I didn’t need. So, I am now REALLY paranoid and feel very uncomfortable at work. I feel like everyone is watching my every more and the fact that I pretty much only eat fruit while I am in the office and drink a fair amount of coffee…at the moment it is all I can handle. I know it probably isn’t enough but I figure managing a little in a controlled way is better than either nothing at all or way too much…

Another day, another fight.

Yesterday I managed to be “good”. By that I mean I didn’t binge and I did eat food. Today, I feel really drained of energy but still determined. Nearly “lunchtime” will see what the rest of the day brings…

Fresh start

I have finally decided enough is enough and I can’t go on living like this. In fact, I made the decision a few weeks ago but things have already slipped so I now need to start working towards getting better and not just saying I want to. Action is needed and not just words. The secrecy and lies need to stop and the fight needs to begin.

Seeing as it is time for honesty, here goes…

I suffer from an eating disorder. Many people close to me are already aware that I have struggled for years to get on top of things but despite appearing to be in control and a lot “better” in recent times I am still just as bad and I need to get better. My home life is settled now so it’s time to settle my health and start making the changes and finally beat my demons so I can actually enjoy life and have fun again without constantly stressing about food 24/7.

I went to the doctors on 28th July and am being referred to the eating disorders clinic. I just have to wait for an appointment but at least I have taken the first step and am now in the system. Again.

From today onwards though I am going to try to make a start myself while I await the professionals help. I am going to TRY to be less controlling over the food I eat, I am going to TRY not to binge, I am going to TRY not to make myself sick if I do binge, I am going to TRY to stop using laxatives and most importantly I am going to TRY to be 100% honest with both myself and those around me as to how I am feeling and what I am thinking with regards to my irrational thought process.

I am going to use this blog to vent my frustration, share my achievements and just generally pour my heart out in the hope it helps. Feel free to read and track my journey but one thing I will just say is please do not comment on my weight whether I have dropped some or put on some. It triggers me and I would rather talk about other things. Treat me normally but if I need a friend please be there to support me. This journey I am once again attempting is going to be very difficult but with the love and support of those around me I think I will be ok.

A lot of this probably won’t even make sense to anyone except me but bear with it if you care and you will hopefully see my struggles are slowing easing and the real Haze is emerging once again.