Anger

Why when I am angry at something or someone I punish myself? I get myself so wound up that I default to my “coping” mechanism and mess up. I think it is a distraction technique and yet it never solves the anger just transfers it inwardly. I know it is stupid and irrational but I seem to do it anyway. The same goes for grief, and weirdly, intense happiness. It is like I don’t feel I deserve to feel happy and allow myself to enjoy anything so I binge and make myself feel awful tarnishing whatever good news I have had.

Reading that back I can see how ridiculous it sounds, the events which trigger those emotions are generally always out of my control and yet I take that control back by punishing myself and creating the feelings I know only too well; disgust and inner hatred.

Time off

This week I am working on the Thursday (tomorrow) because my husband has to have an operation so after I have dropped him off at the hospital I am working from an office nearby. Luckily the surgery is only a few hours so he shouldn’t have to stay in for long. The idea being I pick him up after work. He won’t be out in the evening so my Thursday is sorted. Phew! I don’t have to worry about messing up as I won’t have the opportunity. I am then, from Friday having just under a week off work along with my husband. I cannot wait for a break and to spend some quality time with him as it has been very much lacking lately. We have spent time together but my mind has been elsewhere :-( Next week I am determined to pay him the attention he deserves and ENJOY my 6 days off. We are heading up North with the dog for a few days on Saturday. I am hoping the mini-break does us both the world of good, my husband will be recovering from him surgery and the anaesthetic and I will be away from the stress of home and hopefully new surroundings will mean my problems are left behind. Fingers crossed!

I really hope that this time next week I can report on the amazing few days away we have had and how I properly enjoyed myself for the first time in months.

Laying Low

I have been a bit distant of late and for that I apologise. I am struggling. I can’t deny it, things are tough. However, I am struggling on. Battling against the thoughts and urges and, so far this week, winning.

The main reason my mental state has taken a bit of a knock lately is because I finally got a letter through stating when my group therapy starts. I received the letter in Friday’s post (14th October) and my therapy starts on 18th! OF NOVEMBER!!!! 5 weeks to wait. Now I know I said I didn’t care how long I had to wait and that I just wanted a date to focus on. How wrong was I?! I DO care as 5 weeks seems like a lifetime away at the moment. Although, now it is 4 and a half weeks… See? I am trying to look on the positive side. 30 days to go and counting! And, in the meantime I do have a half hour appointment with a psychologist on 3rd November and at least that is just 2 weeks away. I hate wishing my life away but in this case I have to.

5 weeks and counting...

It has been 5 weeks since my assessment at the clinic and I am STILL waiting to hear when my therapy will be. I am going to leave it one more week before I phone them and enquire. I would have phoned today, however, seeing as I am feeling pretty good this week I will leave it another week in the hope that a letter comes through before then.

Plus, I have my bone scan to think about on Friday so at least I have something lined up...

Off the radar

This week so far has been, all in all, pretty positive for me hence not posting until now. However, I am very wary that I am now going to jinx things. I was worried about tonight as there is another Carer’s Meeting and I was going to be on my own (my mind had already planned and practically eaten the food for bingeing). However, my dear friend who was only due to come for the day tomorrow is now coming up to stay tonight as well. This has literally saved me from what I thought was inevitable. I am now REALLY looking forward to a nice evening catching up. I need to remember this feeling for when I have planned to “mess up” and hold onto it so I don’t because this feeling is how life should be and is reason enough to keep going.

My husband is no longer going tonight, which is another relief to be honest. As much as I wanted him to go I feel guilty that recently I haven’t been keeping up my side of the bargain… Plus, we can celebrate another small victory and have a lovely evening :-)

I feel empowered again and I like it.

False hope

I finally got a letter through from the Clinic. However, it was only a summary of my assessment and the therapy I have been put forward for. All it said was that I had been added to the waiting list. So, I am still very much waiting to find out when my therapy will start. It has been over 4 weeks now, I just want a date to work towards. I don’t care if it isn’t for another 4 weeks, 4 months, whatever I just want to know!!!!

I do have a date for my bone scan though which is next Friday.

Greedy pig

It’s been a tough week but I have struggled on and managed to be “good”. Well, I did manage to be good until last night. I was fine and then it all got a bit too much and I gave in. However, I wasn’t sick so I now feel horrendous and I have realised the last few times I have binged I haven’t always got rid of the food. So, does that mean I am not bulimic anymore and, in fact, just a greedy fat pig? Or just a binge-eater? I feel like a fake. What is best? Bingeing and not getting rid of the food or bingeing and making yourself throw it up again? Ok, so neither option is a good one but I feel awful and wish I could go back in time and either not binge or get rid of the food after. ARGH!! I now don’t want to eat anything today to get myself “back on track”. It is ridiculous, I know. However, I can’t help the way I feel. If I could maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess to start with.

Contrast

So, today I feel fat and I look fat. A *slight* contrast from how I felt about my appearance on Friday. I ate too much over the weekend and now it shows. I hate it, my reflection doesn’t lie I clearly have piled weight on over the space of a few days. I can’t handle it but I feel like now all I want to do is binge just give up on trying to control everything and give in to the urges, get fatter and be more miserable than I am now.

I actually, though it seems hard to believe, enjoyed the weekend. I had a really lovely time with my husband and even managed to relax a bit. However, I ate too much and I ate bad food. I feel HORRIBLE now and feel like I have a food hangover which has completely taken over my thoughts and feelings so now the weekend I enjoyed has been replaced by a weekend where I ate too much and put on weight. I know I should focus on the positive and the fact I did ENJOY my weekend but the negative has taken over and I can’t seem to stop the thoughts invading my head and settling there.

I am trying to distract myself…however, all I can think about is food.