Results

My phone rarely rings in the morning, however, today it did. It was my doctor. With my bone scan results. She started with the good news, my hips are fine. Yay! However, my spine isn’t. It shows signs of osteoporosis. Now, the normal treatment is a daily calcium and vitamin D tablet and a weekly bone tablet but she isn’t keen for me to embark on a lifetime of daily medication at my age. So, she plans on going back to the rheumatologist to ask their advice as to whether I could try the treatment for a few years and then repeat the scan in, say, 5 years time or whether we just accept the fact I have early onset osteoporosis. I have to contact my doctor again in a month and see what the prognosis is.

I am not sure how I feel about all this really, to be honest, I am not surprised but it does give me even more reason to fight and beat my demons so as to prevent any further health problems associated with eating disorders.

First therapy session

So, Friday 18th November finally came and the first group session is now out of the way. Phew! It was fine, not really sure what I expected but basically there are 7 of us (1 didn’t turn up so there may be 8 next week…if everyone comes back that is…). We started off by working in pairs and then introducing ourselves, we outlined ground rules for the group to make it comfortable for everyone. One being that we are not allowed to talk about any of the others outside of the sessions which is fair enough. The journey we are all embarking on is our own so there is no need to discuss other people’s struggles. The psychologists talked a bit about the plan for the 12 sessions and we did more group work talking about what bulimia means to us and the affects it has, both physical and emotional. We talked about our aims and goals over the 12 weeks, what we want to gain from the group and also our fears and what we struggle with. Finally we came to homework which is something I have always found difficult. This week we have to write down the problems we encounter with our bulimia and the causes they have, and, the dreaded food diary starts. ARGH. However, people who do their homework are more likely to make a full recovery so I must give it a go. The psychologists didn’t put any pressure on though because, at the end of the day, we are only spoiling our own chances of recovery by not participating in the tasks. Plus, even if I only manage to write record a couple of days this week at least I have made a start, then maybe next week I will manage another day…and so on. I can’t start off with a negative, I must do my best. This IS what I want, I want to get better, I NEED to get better and I will no matter how hard it is. Bring on this week’s session, Friday can’t come soon enough.

On hold

Life has been on hold for the last few weeks and now my first therapy session is just 2 days away. I wish I could say my bingeing has been on hold too and that the reason for my absence is because I have made a miraculous recovery on my own. Ha! I wish. No, it is the same old, food and eating ruling my everyday and I have good days as well as bad days. I didn’t want to keep repeating myself on here as I might as well copy and paste a few of my previous posts after a slip up. However, in 2 days time I start my long and hard recovery. I have days when I am so determined to beat this I just want to get stuck into the therapy and get cracking but I also have days when I am so scared I am not strong enough that I will try and fail again. I also have days where I don’t want to get better; I don’t want to imagine life without my demons. They are security, my default coping mechanism. However, I know to be able to truly enjoy life again I HAVE to beat this. I MUST put 110% into this otherwise there is no point in me even starting the therapy. I know it will be the hardest thing I will ever do but if, no WHEN I finally beat this it will be the best thing I have ever done.

Pre Group Appointment

Yesterday morning I had a half hour appointment with once of the psychologists who will be taking the group therapy in TWO weeks. The appointment was a chance to meet her (the other psychologist taking the group is the one I had my assessment with), have a catch up, ask any questions and voice any concerns. There will be a maximum of 10 people in the group, currently there are 5 although there is another lot of assessments taking place prior to the group starting so they expect the number to increase a bit. I hope it doesn’t but beggars can’t be choosers.

The appointment left me feeling very motivated and geared up ready for my therapy to start. It was just what I needed, roll on 18th. I AM READY.

Confession time...

I haven’t been on here lately for a number of reasons. Firstly, I have been away for a short break, secondly I have been ill and thirdly, because I haven’t wanted to admit how far backwards I have I gone lately.

My eating is ridiculous at the moment and has been steadily getting worse over the last few weeks. The binges are more frequent and the purging less so…but to me that is a REALLY bad thing. I am HUGE. I feel like I am swelling up at an alarming rate with the weight I am piling on. I am such a greedy pig and yet I can’t seem to fight the urges. Where has my motivation and determination gone? Why, only a few short weeks ago, I could control the amount of food that was entering my body and yet now I can’t? I feel drained, physically and emotionally drained. I can’t seem to fight anymore, I seem to have given into my demons and am letting them rule my life once again. In the last few weeks I have cancelled plans and generally been a useless friend and what for? Food.

It is disgusting and I HATE it, yet I can’t seem to stop doing it. I have even been hiding it from my husband whereas before I would tell him about any “episode” at least a day after. The secrecy and lies are getting out of hand where it comes to food and bingeing but I can’t seem to stop doing it. It is an ADDICTION and one too powerful to overcome on my own. My therapy is still a couple of weeks away and that feels like a couple of years at the moment. Every day is such an uphill struggle, I start the day with good intentions and then food takes over inevitably ending in a binge. I know I have a choice over whether to give in or whether to fight but at the moment I can’t seem to gain the strength to fight no matter how bad the alternative ALWAYS makes me feel. I don’t know what to do anymore :-(