I haven’t been on here lately for a number of reasons. Firstly, I have been away for a short break, secondly I have been ill and thirdly, because I haven’t wanted to admit how far backwards I have I gone lately.
My eating is ridiculous at the moment and has been steadily getting worse over the last few weeks. The binges are more frequent and the purging less so…but to me that is a REALLY bad thing. I am HUGE. I feel like I am swelling up at an alarming rate with the weight I am piling on. I am such a greedy pig and yet I can’t seem to fight the urges. Where has my motivation and determination gone? Why, only a few short weeks ago, I could control the amount of food that was entering my body and yet now I can’t? I feel drained, physically and emotionally drained. I can’t seem to fight anymore, I seem to have given into my demons and am letting them rule my life once again. In the last few weeks I have cancelled plans and generally been a useless friend and what for? Food.
It is disgusting and I HATE it, yet I can’t seem to stop doing it. I have even been hiding it from my husband whereas before I would tell him about any “episode” at least a day after. The secrecy and lies are getting out of hand where it comes to food and bingeing but I can’t seem to stop doing it. It is an ADDICTION and one too powerful to overcome on my own. My therapy is still a couple of weeks away and that feels like a couple of years at the moment. Every day is such an uphill struggle, I start the day with good intentions and then food takes over inevitably ending in a binge. I know I have a choice over whether to give in or whether to fight but at the moment I can’t seem to gain the strength to fight no matter how bad the alternative ALWAYS makes me feel. I don’t know what to do anymore :-(
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