So, not only has it been a big week for starting to make changes, it has also been a big week for telling people about my problems. I opened up to my Mum, and also my boss. My Mum was probably the hardest but before Christmas it had to be done. She was ok. She will never properly get it but at least she is aware again and hopefully will see my determination and support me in her own way. However that is.
My boss was lovely. I couldn’t have asked for a nicer response. The main reason for telling her was because there was a big Christmas buffet on Wednesday in the office and despite wanting to try and handle it I wasn’t very confident I would succeed. So, I asked if I could work from our other office and told her why. She was great and now she knows means that if ever there is another similar situation I can avoid it. What a relief that was and yesterday I got loads done without being surrounded by food!
Today, however, the leftover food from yesterday was brought out and put DIRECTLY BEHIND my desk. ARGH!!!! My boss even sent me an email asking if I was ok about it. Bless her. Although, after my initial panic, I feel fine and strong again having not touched anything I didn’t bring myself and now it is time to go home for the week. Phew!!
Thursday 15 December 2011
Turning a corner...in the right direction?
Well, last week was horrible and I was losing all hope thinking that I just needed to resign myself to a life of bingeing and purging as that was all I had become. But then I went to my therapy session on Friday. I had been thinking the therapy was triggering, however, I now think that maybe you just have to get worse and hit rock bottom before you can get up, dust yourself off and start actually recovering. And, my friends, that is exactly how I feel right now.
Friday’s session was all about re-introducing regular meals every day consisting of 3 main meals and 3 snacks. Their guideline is the following:
8am – breakfast
10.30am – morning snack
12.30pm – lunch
3.30pm – afternoon snack
6.30pm – evening meal
8.30pm – evening snack
On paper it looks TERRIFYING. However, I decided to start making small changes to my diet (after having a full on binge after Friday’s session to get the thought “out of my system”). I decided to introduce a PROPER breakfast of cereal and not just an apple, then apple as a morning snack, lunch, more fruit for afternoon snack, dinner and a yoghurt for the evening snack. The 2 hardest ones for me are the proper breakfast and the evening snack. I started this from Monday.
Monday, I managed it. Woohoo!
Tuesday…I managed it…right up until the evening snack which turned into a binge :-(
However, rather than letting it spiral and carrying on into Wednesday and onwards, I dusted myself off and got “back on track” rather than trying desperately hard to starve myself and/or binge again. I might not have managed to have my PROPER breakfast, but, I did start eating again at the morning snack and I managed my evening snack.
Today is Thursday and so far so good. I am not going to get too ahead of myself as I think that is where I went wrong on Tuesday, however, I am looking forward to tomorrow’s therapy for the first time and hoping to build on the good week I have had. Plus, after last week’s session I went for coffee with 2 of the other fellow battlers and we have been supporting each other throughout this week which has been an ENORMOUS help. We are planning to go for a drink afterwards again tomorrow and maybe even our morning snack!
Friday’s session was all about re-introducing regular meals every day consisting of 3 main meals and 3 snacks. Their guideline is the following:
8am – breakfast
10.30am – morning snack
12.30pm – lunch
3.30pm – afternoon snack
6.30pm – evening meal
8.30pm – evening snack
On paper it looks TERRIFYING. However, I decided to start making small changes to my diet (after having a full on binge after Friday’s session to get the thought “out of my system”). I decided to introduce a PROPER breakfast of cereal and not just an apple, then apple as a morning snack, lunch, more fruit for afternoon snack, dinner and a yoghurt for the evening snack. The 2 hardest ones for me are the proper breakfast and the evening snack. I started this from Monday.
Monday, I managed it. Woohoo!
Tuesday…I managed it…right up until the evening snack which turned into a binge :-(
However, rather than letting it spiral and carrying on into Wednesday and onwards, I dusted myself off and got “back on track” rather than trying desperately hard to starve myself and/or binge again. I might not have managed to have my PROPER breakfast, but, I did start eating again at the morning snack and I managed my evening snack.
Today is Thursday and so far so good. I am not going to get too ahead of myself as I think that is where I went wrong on Tuesday, however, I am looking forward to tomorrow’s therapy for the first time and hoping to build on the good week I have had. Plus, after last week’s session I went for coffee with 2 of the other fellow battlers and we have been supporting each other throughout this week which has been an ENORMOUS help. We are planning to go for a drink afterwards again tomorrow and maybe even our morning snack!
Monday 5 December 2011
The ongoing struggle
A lot has happened since I last posted on here. I have aged a year, had 2 more group therapy sessions and messed up a lot. Therapy is tough, and although I knew it would be, I am still really struggling with it. I feel like I am getting left behind a bit and not necessarily giving it my all. Part of me isn’t sure I am capable of doing this as I really don’t feel strong enough and another part of me isn’t sure whether it is going to help anyway. I know I am being a bit defeatist, one of my worse traits, but all the therapy has made me do so far is binge and put more ideas in my head when I am trying to get rid of them!!
I am trying so hard to be positive and keep fighting this but each day that goes passed, it just seems to get harder.
I am trying so hard to be positive and keep fighting this but each day that goes passed, it just seems to get harder.
Hard to blog
I am finding it hard to blog. Ever since I started my therapy sessions, I feel like I can’t face updating this. I have been very up and down lately. Part of me finds the sessions a trigger and part of me thinks they are helping albeit very slowly. Maybe you have to get worse to start getting better? Currently though all I want to do is binge which I am finding very hard to control. I just want to eat constantly. I have had a few episodes lately where I have binged but haven’t purged and it has made me worse. The more I eat, the more I want to eat and “don’t care”, well, at least until the next day when I have to deal with all the guilt which inevitably occurs. Following these disgusting binges I only feel “back on track” if I can starve myself the following day or do a stupid amount of exercise. It is driving me mad and yet I can’t seem to stop these urges and all I want to do is EAT. I am piling on weight at a rapid rate and soon I am going to be the fattest person at the therapy sessions :-(
The last session, number 3, touched on the biological effects of vomiting, laxative abusive and excessive exercise. I already knew the main facts about the normal forms of purging; vomiting and laxatives, however, I wasn’t aware until now that excessive exercise as a direct result of coping with over-eating is also a form of bulimia. It has really got me thinking that so many more people have problems than would care to admit. I know I am obsessive about exercise whether I am doing enough, too much or none but I hadn’t realised you could interpret over-exercising as a form of purging. However, having listened to the psychologist explain this it all makes sense. I have every symptom of it. I thought exercising was healthy, clearly not in my case!
The last session, number 3, touched on the biological effects of vomiting, laxative abusive and excessive exercise. I already knew the main facts about the normal forms of purging; vomiting and laxatives, however, I wasn’t aware until now that excessive exercise as a direct result of coping with over-eating is also a form of bulimia. It has really got me thinking that so many more people have problems than would care to admit. I know I am obsessive about exercise whether I am doing enough, too much or none but I hadn’t realised you could interpret over-exercising as a form of purging. However, having listened to the psychologist explain this it all makes sense. I have every symptom of it. I thought exercising was healthy, clearly not in my case!
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