:-(

My weekend in Brighton was a total nightmare for me. For any "normal" person it would have been a great break away in a hotel with the husband, eating and drinking lots and catching up with good friends. For me, it was torture. I didn't cope well at all and am now really struggling not to completely lose it and totally spiral out of control. I knew it was going to be challenging and tough but I feel like I lost the battle and am falling apart. I can't cope with the disgusting amount of food I ate, mainly because I couldn't get rid of any of it. I know I have put on weight and I feel disgusting and HUGE. I am now so scared of going downhill and totally spiralling out of control and yet all I want to do is binge, carry on where the weekend left off. I hate myself for letting go and taking a million steps backwards but most of all I am ashamed of myself. I've let ev eryone down and I detest myself for it.

The stupid thing is I really enjoyed seeing my friends again and spending time with my hubby, I jsut couldn't cope with the fact the weekend centred around food. I am nowhere near ready for a situation like that I was stupid to think I was or even attempt it. I am far too emotionally unstable to deal with any situation outside of my "normal" routine at the moment. I tried 3 days of it and basically just set myself up for a massive fall. I am dreading my appointment next week, but at the same time it can't come soon enough. I just hope they take me seriously because I don't look unhealthy, far from it. I am not underweight, my BMI is well within the "healthy" range and this scares me, I worry they won't look passed that and see how this problem completely and utterly rules my life, ruins me life and has taken over everything.

Home Alone

I have come to the conclusion that I can’t spend too much time alone. I am not strong enough to spend evenings on my own at the moment as I just can’t fight the urges, it takes over and consumes me. Literally. I try to fight but I am so tired all the time it becomes too much and once I start to eat that is it and I can’t stop.

I didn’t want to write this today, I feel disgusting and ashamed with myself especially as I had been having a good day yesterday. Heard some amazing news from a friend first thing in the morning and then kept myself busy…until the evening when I fell apart. I felt so down and depressed and just resigned myself to my fate. Now, I feel horrible and really don’t want to eat anything to get myself “back on track”. However, I know that is a REALLY stupid idea and will be completely counter-productive. Plus, I need to be as strong as I can be ready for the weekend away.

The thing that scares me about yesterday is more that I quite enjoyed the binge once I got started and I didn’t mind the whole process. I was bored at home and it gave me something to do. I ate food I love and liked the taste…I just couldn’t stop at one piece of “bad” food; I had to have packets and loads of everything. All or nothing. The only part I really don’t enjoy is knowing that I couldn’t get rid of ALL the food, only a part of it. That scares me, as does the fact I want to do it all again today. I can’t let myself though, otherwise the weekend will be even more of a struggle than I have a feeling it will already be. I want to be able to relax and just enjoy my time catching up with friends, eating nice food and drinking nice wine. I don’t want to feel the guilt after every mouthful of anything and the panic rising inside me taking over my concentration and ruining my mind. I am going to try to breathe deeply and be as rational as I can, I want to have fun and enjoy my life again I just wish it was easier.

2 weeks to go

My assessment is 2 weeks today and it feels like an age. Time appears to be at a standstill and I just want it over with. I want to find out if they are going to offer me treatment and if so, what kind? How often? Etc. It is driving me mad. The questionnaire is still very much getting to me, when do I fill it in? On the day or before? ARGH!! So many questions and no answers, I just have to wait.

To make matters worse today ALL I want to do is eat, I feel like I am losing the control I am so desperately trying to grab hold of. I find it hardest during the day as I feel like I can’t distract myself sat at a desk in a near silent office. The time drags and all I focus on is 2.30pm when I can shut down and get home. Then, when I am home I take the dog for a short walk and await the husband’s arrival home. I feel safe once he is home and I am no longer alone. However, usually by the time he does get home I am seriously on edge and very snappy. I bet he wishes he’d stayed at work. I try so hard to be cheerful and happy but the constant stressing all day takes it’s toll and I am shattered all the time. I wake up tired as I don’t sleep very well and then the daily grind starts again.

I just wish I could switch my brain off.

Weekend away

We are away this coming weekend, 2 nights in Brighton visiting friends we met on honeymoon. I can’t wait, it is sure to be lots of fun and will be great to have a couple of days away from everything. However, it will involve lots of eating…well, lots for me at least. The panic is starting to set in and I really don’t want it to ruin the weekend. I wish I could just switch off from it all just for the weekend and let myself truly enjoy it without stressing about the fat/calorie/health content of everything that passes my lips. I am trying to reason with myself, see the weekend as a reward for how much better I am doing at the moment and my determination to carry on but at the back of my mind is voice telling me I either need to starve myself this week in order to eat normally for a weekend or I can just have a massive blow out at the weekend and carry on until my appointment…

Questionnaire

I have quite a long questionnaire to fill out and take to my appointment (just over 2 weeks to go now) and I was going to fill it in before so I am well-prepared. However, having read through it I think it is best to leave it until either the day before or even on the day as it asks how many times I have binged and purged/taken laxatives in the last week/month/year/etc. The questionnaire panics me. A lot. Mainly because I am trying so hard NOT to binge/purge/whatever that I feel like I either need to lie in it OR start bingeing now to justify my appointment. Now I know this is stupid and irrational because the problem is still very much there but I really want them to take me seriously and I feel that unless I am REALLY bad and obviously so they will put me to the back of the list or turn me away. I can’t lie, that isn’t an option for me as I need to be true to myself.

I wish I didn’t have 2 weeks to wait to stress about it and wind myself up even more.

Day off

I am finding this post hard to write. Yesterday I had a day off, both from work and from being “good”. The strange thing about it is that I don’t feel like I have messed up, I don’t feel guilty for it and scarily I quite enjoyed it. This worries me slightly.

My day went as follows:

Lovely long dog walk and chat with a very good friend in the morning, trip into town to pay a cheque into the bank and then onto another friend’s for a healthy (safe) lunch following by an afternoon hospital follow-up appointment for my back.

I can’t work out where it went “wrong” really. Actually, I kind of can as all the food I have been denying myself but still fantasising about became more appealing than my willpower to stop myself indulging. The problem is I can’t just have one of these foods, I have to have as many as is possible and then get rid of them. I wish I could just stop at one but it is all or nothing and because I deny myself these “treats” I want as many of them when I do allow myself some as possible. I enjoyed every minute of eating the food but inevitably I then had to get rid of it.

I think one of the main problems was the fact I have been talking about my issues a lot lately. Now, sometimes this helps, but other times it just makes the desire and urge to give in too great. So, when the opportunity arose the desire was too much for me and more inviting than another day of fighting against it. Talking keeps the idea and thought of “slipping up” at the front of my mind which sometimes helps me keep fighting, but other times makes it near on impossible to fight.

What worries me though is that I don’t have the guilt today, I feel like I was allowed a day off and can now resort back to “normal”, well normal for me at the moment. However, I also feel like I want to binge again having quite “enjoyed” it yesterday. When I say enjoyed it I mean enjoyed the taste of all the “bad” foods I ate. Part of me wants to fight and get back on track but part of me wants another day off. I need to keep busy and focussed. I need the part of me that wants to fight to step up a gear and win. I am weighing up my two options seeing as I am at work and can’t think about anything else. If I fight, I will wake up tomorrow and feel refreshed, start the weekend off with a good day. If I give in, I will wake up tomorrow either wanting to continue my binge or feeling very guilty and miserable. If I fight, I will be back on track with another good day and Thursday can be forgotten about. If I give in, the feeling of being a failure and letting everyone down will start to kick in. If I fight, I don’t have to come on here next time and confess. Again. If I give in, the feeling of failure while typing my confession will probably drive me to another binge. If I fight, I set myself up for a good weekend with friends who are staying, if I give in I won’t want them to come and will be quiet and on edge instead of happy to see them.

I think I may have just answered my question. Now, where are the boxing gloves?

Sleeping downstairs

I also had another small victory on Wednesday night.

We have a sofa bed in our living room, it is our spare bed and the mattress is a lot better for my back than our normal one so I like to sleep downstairs at least once a week. However, sometimes this is a REALLY bad idea and sometimes I choose the night I sleep on the sofa bed because I want to binge on food in the kitchen which is usually after I have been drinking too which always adds fuel to the fire. My husband has caught me out a number of times but I always snap at him and tell him to “leave me alone” as I am too far gone to stop. If only I would listen…

Anyway, on Wednesday because we had been out of the house all evening and the dog was shut in all night, I didn’t want to come home and go straight to bed. I wanted to spend time with the spoilt pooch. So, because it was late, I decided that sleeping downstairs was the best option as it meant spending time with the dog but not having to stay up any later. My husband was understandably wary of my decision but he would never stop me (although sometimes would suggest sleeping downstairs too which sends me into a massive panic if I am planning a binge) and so we got the sofa bed out. The thought of bingeing was at the back of my mind but so was the fact that it was late, I was nearly 10 days down and I didn’t want the guilt and shame waking up with me on Thursday morning. So, I just went to bed. I didn’t sleep well as food was at the forefront of my mind but I didn’t binge. Another small step taken.

Out of my control

My husband and I went to an old friend’s for dinner on Wednesday night, my husband is a tradesman and he was doing a small job for our friend so I went along too for a catch up. Now, sometimes when a meal is completely out of my control I panic and can’t handle it choosing to rather pretend I am ill so I avoid eating any food or I cancel my plans. However, on Wednesday I was fine with it. My friend is Turkish and cooked us some traditional food which was lovely and I thoroughly enjoyed. Normally I would panic at the fact it was fried, there was fatty food in it and the portion size wasn’t one of MY portions but I didn’t, I just ate it. I did stress a bit afterwards but tried to ignore it as a one-off this week. Why can’t I do that everytime? Why, normally, do I sit there eating as slowly as possible not wanting the food in front of me, only seeing the grease and fat on my plate and a mountain of food I don’t want to climb? I am proud of myself for Wednesday and really hope I can achieve this more often.

Clothes shopping

Shopping for clothes is my idea of hell. I always feel out of place in women’s clothes shops and I have no idea of or interest in fashion. I have no idea what looks good so always opt for “safe” clothes. I avoid shopping like the plague and will only ever go alone if I am actually going to buy something so I end up wearing the same old clothes for years.

My biggest problem is that everytime I go clothes shopping I am a different size. With my various eating issues my weight fluctuates a lot and so I always have to try clothes on when buying new ones. I swear changing room mirrors are designed to make you feel enormous and clothes sizes vary massively in different shops. It is hell. Often, I get so upset, disheartened and panicky that by the second shop I have gone home…or gone to a food shop to make myself feel even worse.

I have tried going shopping with friends but I always feel like a spare part and SO uncomfortable next to all the pretty, fashionable girls. I have no idea what looks good and feel embarrassed trying things on when with others. So, I always end up following them round like a lost sheep or waiting by the door for them to finish.

Silence is NOT golden

The office is unbelievably quiet for open plan. It is quite unsettling for me and makes me feel like I am being watched, if I do something wrong or make a slight noise someone will pounce and tell me off! So, when it comes to my mid-morning apple-eating ritual I feel like the noise eating the apple makes is too loud. Maybe that is why my colleague felt the need to comment? She made another comment the other day too but I managed to ignore her.

I like to work in a friendly environment with a bit of background noise and the odd bit of talking here and there but that rarely happens here. Maybe that is why the days drag SO much. I work more efficiently if I don’t feel like I am being watched and when I am in a more relaxed atmosphere. It is VERY uptight here. I also need distractions at work, things to take my mind away from food. Yesterday, for example, I spent the majority of my day browsing menus and planning what I would eat if I was going to binge. I did all this in between working on the odd letter here and there - my boss is in meetings a lot of the time and because I am still relatively new I have to wait for her to be around to check things even though it is hardly rocket science but it gets really frustrating when I am forever waiting for someone else to approve something before I can do the next thing on my list. Plus, it makes for a very dull day. Anyway, getting back to my favourite/worst subject: food. I love planning ahead to a binge and deciding the kinds of things I want to include, the “forbidden” foods, the calorific and sugar-laden treats. I can spend hours doing this until eventually I either have to binge or I have to get away from my computer. At work, this is SO easy for me to do and not good. Although, I am hoping maybe I will get bored of it. It is such an obsession now and I am trying desperately not to do it but when all that you can think about is food and good/bad foods it is SO hard.

So far today, I have looked at one menu and selected 3 different meal choices:

1. The healthiest and only option I can cope with if having to eat with others.
2. The most calorific and “naughtiest” option for a time when I want to binge afterwards.
3. What I would actually order if I could cope with choosing what I wanted rather than what is the healthiest/lowest fat.

I am hoping to try and curb the menu-surfing so once in the first hour of being at work is quite good for me, I will try my hardest not to succumb to many more. Today, at least.

The ongoing struggle of work

As I have said previously I find work a struggle. Trying to be “normal” when inside I am far from it. I always wish the day away, count every hour sometimes every half hour depending how much I am struggling. I can’t concentrate on things and my attention span is virtually non-existent. The actual work itself generally gets done but it never interests me, I can never lose myself in it as my mind is always elsewhere. The thing is though, however much I hate being at work constantly fighting if I am off-work unless I am busy I have too much time to think and too many opportunities to binge. It is a no-win situation. No matter where I am at the moment I would always rather be somewhere else but yet my mind and the thoughts follow me wherever I go so there is no escape :-( I feel trapped, even when I am being “good”.

I have tried many times to make a fresh start with a more positive attitude, try a different approach but the problem never goes away. Running away is a short-term solution because inevitably the real issues catch up with you.

7th September can’t come soon enough and yet I know I can’t rely too much on this date as this will only be the start of the tough journey ahead…

"Normal"

I had a “normal” weekend. Went to stay with friends and had a lovely time. However, I was SO distracted fighting with my head all the time. Trying to reason that eating “normally” was ok and I wasn’t going to wake up on Monday the size of a whale. Being surrounded by friends the whole time meant there wasn’t an opportunity to do anything anyway and also meant I had to eat. It didn’t stop the thoughts of wanting to binge overnight while everyone else was asleep but luckily tiredness took over and I was fine.

I am ridiculously tired now though which never helps, makes the fight so much harder and the urge to binge so much greater. So far I haven’t succumbed to it but at the back of my mind I feel like each minute, hour, day that goes by is just delaying the inevitable to a later date. At the moment I am so determined that I feel strong enough to keep going but it is so draining and I am miserable and distracted ALL the time. I can barely concentrate on anything and even when I am reading my mind is thinking about food.

However, I WILL keep going. I want my life back and to be able to enjoy things again without fearing the next meal and then stressing and panicking for hours after it.

Positive?

Just had my weekly 1:1 with my boss here and she is really pleased with me. This is positive. This is something I need to remember when I am struggling. I can work AND fight. I don’t feel very good at my current role, I don’t feel like I am worth a lot however, other people seem to. This is something I know I need to hold onto and start to believe. I honestly don’t feel like I offer much in the way of work skills and I honestly don’t think I am very good at what I do. I work hard when I have work to do but never feel a sense of achievement. I just feel empty. Why is that? Why can I never be satisfied? Why am I never happy? Why can't I look at myself in the mirror? Why am I doing this to myself?

These are the questions I need to address. When I am ready.

Small victory

I have Thursdays off work and the husband goes to Tai Chi for 3 hours in the evening so for me this is a tough day. The urge to binge (if I haven’t already in the week) usually beats me on Thursdays and in some ways I look forward to it. Finally being able to give in and eat all the “bad” foods and purge as much as I like, all day if possible. However, this week the husband was off too as he had a hospital appointment and I had to play taxi. So, I decided that seeing as I am trying to fight this illness and I am more determined than I have ever been, I would have a “good” day. I even treated my husband to lunch and ate a “normal” amount myself. However, I then panicked. I had made plans for the evening to go for a dog walk and chat with a friend so as not to be alone in the house. But, the more the food in my stomach swelled, the more the urge to binge took over. So, I cancelled on my friend and then began to plan (in my head) just what delights I was going to buy and binge on. I encouraged my husband to go out earlier to Tai Chi so I would have even longer and told him it was ok as I was seeing my friend…why do I lie? I HATE myself for lying but it just fuels my urge more and more. However, he could tell something was wrong was overly quiet. The main reason I was so quiet was because I was having an argument in my head. One part of me was only interested in bingeing but another part of me was trying to reason about the inevitable waste of money it would be AND the fact we are going away this weekend and I really didn’t want to mess up and potentially ruin the weekend ahead by stressing about my slip up. My husband then turned to me and said: “I won’t go to Tai Chi if you don’t want to be on your own.” He knew!! Was it that obvious? I reassured him I would be fine…and then decided to go upstairs and do my stretches routine (I have to for my back although I stress big time if I miss a day…)

Whilst upstairs doing my back stretches the argument in my head continued with the urge to binge winning until, out of nowhere, I decided I wasn’t going to give in. So, I sent my husband (who was downstairs) a text. The message read: “Please can you stay with me tonight? Maybe get an early night? I’m not strong enough to by on my own yet.”

I then went downstairs and owned up to him about my previous plans for the evening. He was amazing, really not sure what I would do without him but having that support spurs me onwards in my fight.

I spent the rest of the evening feeling empowered and chilled out, which is not something I usually feel in the evening. I usually feel like all I have done is delay a binge until the first opportunity when I am alone. I finally managed to win my first real battle. It was REALLY hard and I still REALLY want to give in and binge but I did it. Small steps.

Appointment

I got home from a rather crap day at work and there was a letter waiting for me from the ED clinic asking me to phone up and schedule an appointment for my initial assessment at a date and time convenient for me. I guess this is to reduce missed appointments. My bad as the last appointment I had in May 2010 I didn't go to... So, anyway, I rang up at 3.45pm and asked to speak to the admistrator. She was on the other line and so they took a message for her to ring me back. 45 minutes passed and no phonecall. Now, i am not a very patient person so i decided to ring again. This time she answered but when i said who i was she replied with, "i was going to phone you back tomorrow." Well, love, i just saved you a job AND the NHS a few pennies!! So, my appointment is on Wednesday 7th September at 3pm.


4 weeks and counting.

ARGH!!

So, I am eating an apple at my desk and the lady next to me decides to comment: “I can tell what time it is.” Damn my controlled eating habits…I can only eat after I have been in the office for an hour. It is like a reward. Feel like I am now being watch though and am scared to touch anything else. Don’t even want to eat my apple anymore. Why do people have to comment at all? I am already paranoid and conscious about it. FFS.

Work...

Work has always been an issue for me as the eating problem takes over and I can’t focus on anything else. I have had so many jobs and always hope that the next one will be a fresh start with new people and will distract me from the real issues underneath. Inevitably though, running away from the problem is never going to solve it and when it catches up with me I just want to hide away. My current job is a temp one, covering maternity leave at the County Council. So far it seems ok. It is only 20 hours a week (having had back surgery at the beginning of the year, full-time office work isn’t really an option) so I work Monday – Wednesday and Friday 9.30-2.30. On my second day the woman who sits opposite me asked me if I had an eating disorder. Lovely! Not the best start to a new job. She was asking, not because I look like I do (!), but because she was trying to find out what I had in common with people in the office and another girl has an ED. Excellent. Just what I didn’t need. So, I am now REALLY paranoid and feel very uncomfortable at work. I feel like everyone is watching my every more and the fact that I pretty much only eat fruit while I am in the office and drink a fair amount of coffee…at the moment it is all I can handle. I know it probably isn’t enough but I figure managing a little in a controlled way is better than either nothing at all or way too much…

Another day, another fight.

Yesterday I managed to be “good”. By that I mean I didn’t binge and I did eat food. Today, I feel really drained of energy but still determined. Nearly “lunchtime” will see what the rest of the day brings…

Fresh start

I have finally decided enough is enough and I can’t go on living like this. In fact, I made the decision a few weeks ago but things have already slipped so I now need to start working towards getting better and not just saying I want to. Action is needed and not just words. The secrecy and lies need to stop and the fight needs to begin.

Seeing as it is time for honesty, here goes…

I suffer from an eating disorder. Many people close to me are already aware that I have struggled for years to get on top of things but despite appearing to be in control and a lot “better” in recent times I am still just as bad and I need to get better. My home life is settled now so it’s time to settle my health and start making the changes and finally beat my demons so I can actually enjoy life and have fun again without constantly stressing about food 24/7.

I went to the doctors on 28th July and am being referred to the eating disorders clinic. I just have to wait for an appointment but at least I have taken the first step and am now in the system. Again.

From today onwards though I am going to try to make a start myself while I await the professionals help. I am going to TRY to be less controlling over the food I eat, I am going to TRY not to binge, I am going to TRY not to make myself sick if I do binge, I am going to TRY to stop using laxatives and most importantly I am going to TRY to be 100% honest with both myself and those around me as to how I am feeling and what I am thinking with regards to my irrational thought process.

I am going to use this blog to vent my frustration, share my achievements and just generally pour my heart out in the hope it helps. Feel free to read and track my journey but one thing I will just say is please do not comment on my weight whether I have dropped some or put on some. It triggers me and I would rather talk about other things. Treat me normally but if I need a friend please be there to support me. This journey I am once again attempting is going to be very difficult but with the love and support of those around me I think I will be ok.

A lot of this probably won’t even make sense to anyone except me but bear with it if you care and you will hopefully see my struggles are slowing easing and the real Haze is emerging once again.