Small victory

I have Thursdays off work and the husband goes to Tai Chi for 3 hours in the evening so for me this is a tough day. The urge to binge (if I haven’t already in the week) usually beats me on Thursdays and in some ways I look forward to it. Finally being able to give in and eat all the “bad” foods and purge as much as I like, all day if possible. However, this week the husband was off too as he had a hospital appointment and I had to play taxi. So, I decided that seeing as I am trying to fight this illness and I am more determined than I have ever been, I would have a “good” day. I even treated my husband to lunch and ate a “normal” amount myself. However, I then panicked. I had made plans for the evening to go for a dog walk and chat with a friend so as not to be alone in the house. But, the more the food in my stomach swelled, the more the urge to binge took over. So, I cancelled on my friend and then began to plan (in my head) just what delights I was going to buy and binge on. I encouraged my husband to go out earlier to Tai Chi so I would have even longer and told him it was ok as I was seeing my friend…why do I lie? I HATE myself for lying but it just fuels my urge more and more. However, he could tell something was wrong was overly quiet. The main reason I was so quiet was because I was having an argument in my head. One part of me was only interested in bingeing but another part of me was trying to reason about the inevitable waste of money it would be AND the fact we are going away this weekend and I really didn’t want to mess up and potentially ruin the weekend ahead by stressing about my slip up. My husband then turned to me and said: “I won’t go to Tai Chi if you don’t want to be on your own.” He knew!! Was it that obvious? I reassured him I would be fine…and then decided to go upstairs and do my stretches routine (I have to for my back although I stress big time if I miss a day…)

Whilst upstairs doing my back stretches the argument in my head continued with the urge to binge winning until, out of nowhere, I decided I wasn’t going to give in. So, I sent my husband (who was downstairs) a text. The message read: “Please can you stay with me tonight? Maybe get an early night? I’m not strong enough to by on my own yet.”

I then went downstairs and owned up to him about my previous plans for the evening. He was amazing, really not sure what I would do without him but having that support spurs me onwards in my fight.

I spent the rest of the evening feeling empowered and chilled out, which is not something I usually feel in the evening. I usually feel like all I have done is delay a binge until the first opportunity when I am alone. I finally managed to win my first real battle. It was REALLY hard and I still REALLY want to give in and binge but I did it. Small steps.