Day off

I am finding this post hard to write. Yesterday I had a day off, both from work and from being “good”. The strange thing about it is that I don’t feel like I have messed up, I don’t feel guilty for it and scarily I quite enjoyed it. This worries me slightly.

My day went as follows:

Lovely long dog walk and chat with a very good friend in the morning, trip into town to pay a cheque into the bank and then onto another friend’s for a healthy (safe) lunch following by an afternoon hospital follow-up appointment for my back.

I can’t work out where it went “wrong” really. Actually, I kind of can as all the food I have been denying myself but still fantasising about became more appealing than my willpower to stop myself indulging. The problem is I can’t just have one of these foods, I have to have as many as is possible and then get rid of them. I wish I could just stop at one but it is all or nothing and because I deny myself these “treats” I want as many of them when I do allow myself some as possible. I enjoyed every minute of eating the food but inevitably I then had to get rid of it.

I think one of the main problems was the fact I have been talking about my issues a lot lately. Now, sometimes this helps, but other times it just makes the desire and urge to give in too great. So, when the opportunity arose the desire was too much for me and more inviting than another day of fighting against it. Talking keeps the idea and thought of “slipping up” at the front of my mind which sometimes helps me keep fighting, but other times makes it near on impossible to fight.

What worries me though is that I don’t have the guilt today, I feel like I was allowed a day off and can now resort back to “normal”, well normal for me at the moment. However, I also feel like I want to binge again having quite “enjoyed” it yesterday. When I say enjoyed it I mean enjoyed the taste of all the “bad” foods I ate. Part of me wants to fight and get back on track but part of me wants another day off. I need to keep busy and focussed. I need the part of me that wants to fight to step up a gear and win. I am weighing up my two options seeing as I am at work and can’t think about anything else. If I fight, I will wake up tomorrow and feel refreshed, start the weekend off with a good day. If I give in, I will wake up tomorrow either wanting to continue my binge or feeling very guilty and miserable. If I fight, I will be back on track with another good day and Thursday can be forgotten about. If I give in, the feeling of being a failure and letting everyone down will start to kick in. If I fight, I don’t have to come on here next time and confess. Again. If I give in, the feeling of failure while typing my confession will probably drive me to another binge. If I fight, I set myself up for a good weekend with friends who are staying, if I give in I won’t want them to come and will be quiet and on edge instead of happy to see them.

I think I may have just answered my question. Now, where are the boxing gloves?