I have come to the conclusion that I can’t spend too much time alone. I am not strong enough to spend evenings on my own at the moment as I just can’t fight the urges, it takes over and consumes me. Literally. I try to fight but I am so tired all the time it becomes too much and once I start to eat that is it and I can’t stop.
I didn’t want to write this today, I feel disgusting and ashamed with myself especially as I had been having a good day yesterday. Heard some amazing news from a friend first thing in the morning and then kept myself busy…until the evening when I fell apart. I felt so down and depressed and just resigned myself to my fate. Now, I feel horrible and really don’t want to eat anything to get myself “back on track”. However, I know that is a REALLY stupid idea and will be completely counter-productive. Plus, I need to be as strong as I can be ready for the weekend away.
The thing that scares me about yesterday is more that I quite enjoyed the binge once I got started and I didn’t mind the whole process. I was bored at home and it gave me something to do. I ate food I love and liked the taste…I just couldn’t stop at one piece of “bad” food; I had to have packets and loads of everything. All or nothing. The only part I really don’t enjoy is knowing that I couldn’t get rid of ALL the food, only a part of it. That scares me, as does the fact I want to do it all again today. I can’t let myself though, otherwise the weekend will be even more of a struggle than I have a feeling it will already be. I want to be able to relax and just enjoy my time catching up with friends, eating nice food and drinking nice wine. I don’t want to feel the guilt after every mouthful of anything and the panic rising inside me taking over my concentration and ruining my mind. I am going to try to breathe deeply and be as rational as I can, I want to have fun and enjoy my life again I just wish it was easier.
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