:-(

My weekend in Brighton was a total nightmare for me. For any "normal" person it would have been a great break away in a hotel with the husband, eating and drinking lots and catching up with good friends. For me, it was torture. I didn't cope well at all and am now really struggling not to completely lose it and totally spiral out of control. I knew it was going to be challenging and tough but I feel like I lost the battle and am falling apart. I can't cope with the disgusting amount of food I ate, mainly because I couldn't get rid of any of it. I know I have put on weight and I feel disgusting and HUGE. I am now so scared of going downhill and totally spiralling out of control and yet all I want to do is binge, carry on where the weekend left off. I hate myself for letting go and taking a million steps backwards but most of all I am ashamed of myself. I've let ev eryone down and I detest myself for it.

The stupid thing is I really enjoyed seeing my friends again and spending time with my hubby, I jsut couldn't cope with the fact the weekend centred around food. I am nowhere near ready for a situation like that I was stupid to think I was or even attempt it. I am far too emotionally unstable to deal with any situation outside of my "normal" routine at the moment. I tried 3 days of it and basically just set myself up for a massive fall. I am dreading my appointment next week, but at the same time it can't come soon enough. I just hope they take me seriously because I don't look unhealthy, far from it. I am not underweight, my BMI is well within the "healthy" range and this scares me, I worry they won't look passed that and see how this problem completely and utterly rules my life, ruins me life and has taken over everything.