Self hatred

I hate how I look. I am far too thin and yet I can't increase/change what I'm eating without bingeing. I can't handle more or different types of food but I know I look awful, it's not me anymore and when I look in the mirror I hate, no, detest what I see. I know logically it makes no sense, I want/need to increase my weight but I just can't do it without going crazy and eating everything in sight.

Come down

On a bit of a come down today, being tired isn’t helping either. Have had a really busy week and feel a bit lost now that the plans I have been looking forward to for ages are over. I saw one of my closest friends this week for the first time in over a year. She moved to New Zealand nearly 5 years ago and is back over in the UK for a week for a conference. It has been SO good to see her and makes me realise just how much I miss her. I just wish that in 5 years I had rid myself of my demons. However, I am determined not to dwell on this and to use it as more motivation to work hard to get better. Maybe then, I can start saving and focussing on going over to Auckland to visit her. I should save a fair bit of money once I stop the binges so could put this in a travel fund, use it as an incentive to beat this illness.

Also, this week I have been to London to see Shrek, it was amazing and I absolutely loved it. I went with a dear friend of mine and we spent the rest of the day catching up. It was great and I had been looking forward to it for ages. But, like my other friend’s visit, that is now over.

To be honest, I feel a bit deflated and down. I have a very quiet weekend planned, spending it with my lovely husband, and, by the looks of it enjoying the weather! I am really looking forward to it as I love spending time just me and him and it is something we haven’t been able to do for too long but I just feel sad today. Sad and drained. I really hope I can snap out of it by the time I get home as I really don’t want to ruin the weekend for us both, I want to make the most of it. However, I am scared I won’t be able to cheer up (through absolutely no fault of my husbands) and will be miserable all weekend wasting the chance for us to enjoy each other’s company, just the two of us. I really don’t want to do that as I put him through enough already and I know how much he has been looking forward to a weekend off, some quality time together. I want nothing more than to make him happy, but first I need to make me happy and the way I feel at the moment it seems like mission impossible.

Office Party

So, today I am working from a different office to see what goes on behind the scenes in our department. It is a much, nicer, friendlier environment and also closer to home. Everyone I have been introduced to has been lovely and really encouraging, why can’t I work here more often? Unfortunately it isn’t where my boss is based very often so it is unlikely I will come here again.

However, the only downside has been the fact they had an “office party” for a well-loved member of staff’s last day. I knew about this before I came and was one of the reasons they chose today for me to work from here, because more people I needed to meet would be attending. Since I found out about the party, I have been planning to use it as an opportunity to binge. Lots of free food, buffet style and no-one here knows me. Even this morning as I was driving in I couldn’t wait for midday. However, once it got here I made a split-second decision NOT to listen to my head which was telling me to go crazy and eat all the bad food. I, instead, stayed at my desk (apart from for the speeches) and got on with work, and emailing a friend which kept my mind occupied. Without that, it would have been a completely different story and I would now be trying to sneak yet more food to eat at my desk and planning to stop at various shops for more on the way home. I no longer want to do that, I am going to go round to a friend’s house for a cuppa and then go home hopefully timing my arrival with that of my husband. It hasn’t been easy but it is another small victory to hold onto.

Blood tests

So, I had my bloods done and phoned up for the results this morning. The receptionist then informed me that they were back but there was a note on them saying that the Doctor needed to speak to me about them. PANIC!! I then had to wait for her to phone me back. I am not the most patient of people at the best of times but now I had the added worry of what the hell my results showed.

When she did eventually call back, felt like forever, she told me the following:

My oestrogen levels are low
My calcium levels are low
My red blood cell count is a problem

All the results are borderline so no immediate panic, they just need to be monitored and I have to repeat the tests in 2 months time. Plus, once I have the bone scan we will know more as to how the low calcium and oestrogen is affecting my bone density and what the risk of osteoporosis is.

Now, I know this is my own fault and relates directly to my eating but I am still panicking about the fact I need to up my calcium intake in my diet. My diet is currently awful, I know this but the thought of having to change what I can handle is REALLY freaking me out. I know the ins and outs of what I should be eating and what I should be doing but I just can’t seem to be able to put it into practice.

I am scared. I know I am destroying my body by carrying on like this but I can’t seem to take that step to help myself yet. I don’t feel strong enough. I can’[t do this on my own. I just wish the help would come soon and yet having spoken to my doctor it seems the wait will continue…

The waiting game

I haven’t yet received my follow-up letter after my assessment at the clinic. I know it has only been 2 weeks. However, it has still been TWO weeks. I am impatient. I want to know when I am going to start my therapy. I need to start my therapy. I am ready to start my recovery journey NOW, I don’t want to wait much longer. I am not sure I can. I feel like I am on the edge and if I don’t hear soon I will topple over that edge and lose it completely. I am struggling. I can admit that. Please hurry up, I want my life back.

Too busy to blog :-(

Work is getting in the way of my blogging as it as suddenly gone a bit mad. Good in some ways as it means my mind is occupied, not in others as i could really do without the stress or at least wish i could blog about it!!

Had a bad start to the week, felt really low all day Monday and very panicky/anxious. I had to go into work later as i had a meeting to minute (which i hate) and the change in my routine really messed with my head. As a result i couldn't concentrate on the meeting at all and found myself stressing about food, weight and all my default self-destruction thoughts. It was awful and then i could not snap out of it or "turn my brain" off when i got home. Was so glad when it was over and also so glad i had the use of a dictaphone for the meeting, otherwise when it comes to typing the minutes up today they would be all about how fat and disgusting i am and how much i want to binge...not sure my work colleagues need/want to know that.

Confidence crisis

I had my haircut yesterday and I hate it. It desperately needed doing as it hadn’t been cut for over 3 months, since the wedding, so when my Mum said her hairdresser was going to hers yesterday I asked if I could join her. The warning sign should have been the fact that it was MY MUM’S HAIRDRESSER. However, as it was my day off I went round and showed her photos from the wedding so she could see how I wanted my hair cut. She clearly ignored these and chopped far too much off. I like my hair to frame my face but be a bit longer than chin level as I like the security of having it there and it hiding my chubby chin(s) and round face. It no longer does this, it sits just above and that is if I straighten it as much as it will straighten.

The hairdresser also had the cheek to tell me there were “a lot of grey hairs” underneath. Thanks. I thought going to the hairdresser was supposed to make you feel good about yourself?

I don’t have a lot of self-confidence anyway but now I have even less. I look like a boy. At least it will grow and I hope it grows back very quickly. On the plus side (I am trying desperately hard to look at the positive) at least I won’t have to have it cut for ages.

Argh take two!!!

And now, the woman who was gorging on crap food earlier is commenting on the fact that I eat a lot of grapes. Well, love, you have eaten enough to feed an army today so LEAVE ME ALONE. At least what I am eating is healthy. Oh, and she is eating AGAIN.





Is it 2.30pm yet? Only 1 hour 20 minutes to go...

Panic!

I had a bad night last night. The feeling of empowerment from Wednesday went completely out of the window when the plans I had made fell through at the last minute. So, with the husband out at his weekly Tai Chi class, I panicked and defaulted to my normal “coping” mechanism and binged. So, I barely slept and today feel AWFUL. I hate myself and feel like I have let my husband down after all the effort he has made for me this week, and I know I have let myself down.

I need to stop myself dwelling on it and not punish myself for it but it is so hard. However, today is a new day, another fresh start and having just read a very inspiring poem (below) I will continue my fight.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

Argh!!

The woman who sits opposite me at work literally hasn’t stopped eating since I got here at 9.30am…its is now 10.15. It is driving me mad!! She is eating “bad food” and it is making me want to do the same!! GO AWAY! I feel sick watching her and think I must look like that mid-binge… However, it doesn’t put me off just makes it seem normal.

She has just justified the amount she is demolishing by saying “it’s medicinal”. Really? No, it is disgusting and NOT NORMAL.

Is it 2.30pm yet? I need to get out of here.

Carer's meeting

My husband went to one of the local monthly carer's meetings earlier tonight. I had told him about it but didn’t expect him to go to the first available one, however, I am so pleased he did. He came back very shell-shocked but glad he went. He said it was really hard but good to talk to other people, mainly parents, about the situation and how to cope with it and support me as best he can. With him going to the meeting, it has really spurred me on in my fight, if he is willing to make that much effort and show that much commitment then the least I can do is the same.

So, I had a night in on my own and was fine, feel quite empowered when he came home but guilty that he has to go in the first place. Hopefully not for too long as my fight continues!!

Money

My husband will tell you I am very careful with my money and like to save where I can on everyday items. I like to treat myself (and him) when I can but primarily I am constantly on a mission to spend as little as possible and worry about running out of money. My husband is always reassuring me that we are fine and can afford to do the things we want and also save a bit here and there. However, I seem to think we are going to go bankrupt at any moment. I know it is a good thing to be careful with your finances and better to be overly tight than the opposite and be in debt but I take it to the extreme with my constant worrying and fretting about it. It is like another obsession to occupy my mind and it drives me mad. If I am not stressing about food then it is money.

The stupid thing about it is that I am really tight when it comes to buying the weekly groceries and essentials. Yet, if I want to have a binge it goes completely out of the window and I will waste a stupid amount on food that is quite literally going down the toilet. It makes no sense whatsoever but I still do it. Money is never an issue then and I really could do with it being one to stop me or at least stall me anyway.

Why is that? How can I be SO controlled over my spending on treats and essentials and yet not care about throwing money away on food for a binge? It makes no sense and maybe the more I dwell on this, the more I can start to realise I need to be controlled on the binge spending and not so much on everything else…

Fat and Hopeless

Today I feel HUGE. I feel like I have eaten way too much over the weekend and, as a result, put on a ton of weight. I feel bloated, disgusting and damn right horrible. I know it is irrational and stupid but I can’t stop the thoughts. It is making eating anything today very difficult. The worse thing about it is I have had a lovely weekend. Just what I needed, the right balance of relaxing with my husband and also catching up with very good friends and yet today I woke up feeling HORRIBLE. I can’t stop the thoughts, feeling fat and not wanting to eat.

I feel like since the build up to my appointment and getting it out of the way last week, I am now completely falling apart and losing the control I have been fighting so hard to keep. I can’t get the thought that I was the fattest person in the waiting room out of my head either, that I am a fraud who doesn’t deserve help and I need to get worse to prove I do have a problem. The thoughts are driving me mad today, I want to shut my eyes and make the world stop. Being tired today isn’t helping my motivation either.

Work, of course, doesn’t help. My boss is on a diet which is nice, but I don’t care. Harsh but true. It is a colleague’s birthday so there are more cakes, luckily not near me though. I have been invited to the pub for lunch, I declined. I simply cannot handle it AND I would have to stay here an hour longer. No thanks. I feel like it is an endless reference to food and eating and all I want to do is forget about it!!

And breathe.

Slowing down

At yesterday’s appointment, it became apparent that I really need to learn to say no more. And really need to slow down and stop trying to do too much. I need to have more “me” time although we all know that time to myself isn’t always the best thing… So, I need to strike up a balance. I hate letting people down but know I need to learn to say no to things. That it is ok to want to have a night in and chill out and meet friends at a later date. At the moment I tend to check my diary and, if it is free just say yes to plans regardless of what else I am doing on other days and I end up with a jam-packed social life and hardly any time to breathe. Now, I don’t want to sound ungrateful as I LOVE my friends and want to see everyone as much as possible and, if I was well, that might be possible but at the moment it is making me worse. I am shattered just thinking about all the things I have “booked” in. So, unfortunately I am going to have to start postponing (NOT cancelling) arrangements until I feel stronger and can cope with going out more and doing things. I have to be selfish (something I REALLY struggle with, as I don’t feel worth enough to put myself first) and slow things down. Don’t get me wrong, I will still go out and socialise but in moderation and with plans a lot better planned out than everything at 100 miles an hour. I am exhausted so I need to rest.

I am starting to learn I need to look after myself first and if that involves staying in and chilling out so be it. However, if it involves going out and seeing people even better. But, I have to make sure I am in the right frame of mind so that friends have my full attention and not me in a state of trance fantasising about food and sleeping…

I hope you all understand. It really isn't you, it's me ;-)

The Appointment

My appointment was at 3pm. I made sure I was in work mega early so I could leave in plenty of time to get to the hospital and find the clinic. I was ridiculously early, and ridiculously nervous. I had been fine all morning until I parked up, then I started to panic and wanted to run away. However, I composed myself and headed to the clinic. The waiting room was empty so I took my seat at 2.45pm and clock watched. Other people started turning up to their appointments and they all looked much worse than me so I began to feel like the fattest person in the world AND a fraud wasting NHS time. 3pm came and went and then, at 3.10pm I was called through…by a very familiar face. It was the same psychologist I saw about 6 years ago, the last time I had therapy. This REALLY unsettled me and made me feel even more of a failure being back in the same situation SIX years on. However, it actually worked out better that I knew her and she already had all my background from before AND, more importantly, I knew I got on with her. When she asked me to speak, I couldn’t. I burst into tears (something I am desperately trying not to do now). I found it really hard to talk and all the things I had rehearsed so well in the days and weeks leading up to this appointment went out of my head. I felt like a lost little girl again, scared of the future and what it might bring. Not wanting to let go of a part of me that has ruled my life for at least the last 17 years, probably longer, and yet knowing I have to in order to get on with my life. Eventually I composed myself and began to tell her of my recent struggles and my current situation. Telling her what I tend to eat on a typical “good” and “bad” day was incredibly difficult but I did it. I was honest and true to myself, no matter how disgusting listing the binges made me feel.

Once I had finished pouring my heart out to her, she started to talk of my therapy options. There were ones I had tried before and ones I hadn’t. We came up with the idea of group therapy which is a much more practical approach to recovery and something I have never done before. It looks a lot more suited to my “doing” nature as opposed to the more theory based treatments. It sounds a lot more positive than other approaches and involves 12 sessions lasting one and a half hours once a week led by 2 psychologists. Then, a 3 month individual follow up one-to-one with a psychologist. However, before I am allowed to be put on the waiting list for the next set of group sessions, the psychologist had to go off and discuss my case with her colleagues to make sure they agreed this was the best treatment plan for me. So, it was back to the waiting room once more.

I waited about 20 minutes before being called in. Once again feeling like the biggest person in the room but trying desperately to ignore these thoughts as everyone is different and all that.

I sat down in the consultation room and the psychologist said her colleagues agreed that group therapy was the best option for me. However, there is “up to” an 8 week wait, which translates as there is an 8 week wait! Nevermind, I am in the system and have a plan. Also, if I don’t get on with this form of treatment then I don’t have to carry it on they will find another therapy that works for me. It seems they are more willing this time to invest the time and proper effort in me (which (I obviously have to match by sticking to my treatment plan) to make sure I rid myself of this horrible illness once and for all. There is also help for my husband if he wants it, a monthly carers meeting and they offer sessions for couples and family members if you want/need them. Something, a bit further down the line will be useful I think. People forget about the other halves in these struggles and my husband puts up with A LOT. I promise to reward him soon(ish) though when I am better and living life to the full with him by my side!

The REAL fight starts NOW.

Today's the day!

I feel ok about it, quite positive really which I am guessing is a good thing. Today is the start of the rest of my life. Scary but exciting. I CAN do this and I WILL do this. No other distractions, full focus on the road ahead and the journey I am embarking on. My love of travel and challenges is kicking in. I know it won’t be easy but nothing worth doing ever is!

Tomorrow

It is my appointment tomorrow. I am not really sure how I feel about it now to be honest. I think I just want to get it out of the way. Today is dragging, although so does everyday as all I can think about is food.

Part of me is looking forward to tomorrow and finally being able to pour my heart out about my recent and long-term struggles to a professional, but the another part of me is dreading it. Dreading letting go of all these thoughts and feelings which completely rule my life on a daily basis, and another part of me really doesn’t want to go at all and to just carry on as I am. However, I know this isn’t an option. I can’t go back on this, I HAVE to go. I haven’t waited nearly 6 weeks from when I first sat in front of the doctor and told him I needed help. Again.

I am SO scared. Scared of the unknown, this is the first time I have gone to an assessment or appointment with this much determination and realisation that I am ready to move on and get my life back. I am scared they won’t take me seriously and will dismiss me as a timewaster who has had all the help in the past and still isn’t better. I am scared they won’t be able to help me at all and will cast me aside as a lost cause. I am scared of the hard work and the HUGH changes I am going to have to make over the coming months. Most of all though, I am scared of failing. In fact, I am terrified of failing. I can’t live like this any longer, it is literally destroying me and yet am I really strong enough to beat this? I feel like I am on mission impossible most of the time with this but I guess I won’t know until I try.

Wish me luck, I am going to need lots of it.

Neglect

Having had a really lovely weekend with a very good friend of mine it has made me realise how much I have been neglecting those close to me because of my issues. I have been rubbish with people who are so precious to me and it makes me feel awful. However, it also makes me realise how much I want to fight this, how much I want to be able to see my closest friends and family more regularly and NOT either cancel at the last minute or just hide myself away.

I want to apologise to everyone and say that I am trying and I will be a better friend in future, once I have dealt with things enough to be able to stick to plans and keep up arrangements. For those people I do manage to see more regularly, I promise to be more alert and concentrate more when I am with you not feel distracted or not want to be there.

I love you all and I really want to beat this. Once and for all so I can enjoy the good times and have fun with you all again xxx

Upb(eat)

You may have noticed from the tone of my earlier post, I am feeling a bit more upbeat today. Not sure if it is because it is Friday and I am actually looking forward to the weekend or because I have been ok this week (since Tuesday) or because my appointment isn’t very far away now. Whatever the reason I am trying to hold onto this feeling and keep positive. I had a good night last night with a friend where normally Thursdays are hard for me with the husband out. However, this week I made plans AND stuck to them, not allowing myself to be on my own. A big achievement for me. Don’t get me wrong, it was still really hard to resist the urge to make the most of a free house for the evening, but, I ignored that temptation and had a lovely night catching up. I need to remember these times, I enjoyed my catch up a million times more than I enjoy the guilt and revulsion of a binge.

Maybe I am making progress? Or maybe I am going the other way and enjoying the fact I am managed to control the food I am putting (or not) into my body and in denial that this is a better option? By this, I don’t mean I am actually starving myself, however, I know deep down I am not consuming anywhere near enough food for the amount I do everyday. In my head, this is better than losing control and having too much then needing to be rid of it…but is it really? It is all I can manage at the moment and I feel a bit happier so for now I am going to go with it.

Dominos

And now Dominos are sending me emails AND text messages with their latest offers. Give me strength! I haven’t ordered pizza for a LONG time, why can’t they leave me alone, it is like a constant reminder all the time when I am trying SO hard to be good and keep my control. The thing is I love pizza but I can’t just eat enough to enjoy it or until I am full, as soon as I start I want more, more, more! Are you noticing a theme here?!

A cake update too: I managed to resist the lure of the cakes, chocolates, etc. However, they are STILL here today. Roll on home time, I need to get out of here and into the fresh air!

Cakes!!

ARGH! It is someone’s last day today and she has brought in LOTS of cakes. Not only that but she has left them right next to my desk and there is hardly anyone else in the office. It is like torture. I want to devour them all.

I don’t normally even work Thursdays but this week I am due to the Bank Holiday. I thought it might be good to have work as my distraction to my normal Thursday f*ck up but now I am really wishing I wasn’t here. The cakes are going to stare at me for another 3 and a half hours. I don’t know what is worse, being at home on my own all day or at work with cakes right by my desk.

Why can’t I just ignore them? Or be “normal” and just have one? Because I love cakes and it is a typical end of binge food, a food I generally deny myself as I can’t just have one I have to have more. Once I start eating, I lose control. HELP!!

I am trying to be strong, maybe I will make a coffee…

The most annoying thing about it is the fact I was doing ok this week and starting to feel a bit more positive about things. My appointment is less than a week away, I have filled out the questionnaire and, after the weekend, I am ready to hit this problem head on. I need to focus on that and not the cakes. I can be strong, I can ignore the bad food and I can get through the rest of the day. Wish me luck!