Tomorrow

It is my appointment tomorrow. I am not really sure how I feel about it now to be honest. I think I just want to get it out of the way. Today is dragging, although so does everyday as all I can think about is food.

Part of me is looking forward to tomorrow and finally being able to pour my heart out about my recent and long-term struggles to a professional, but the another part of me is dreading it. Dreading letting go of all these thoughts and feelings which completely rule my life on a daily basis, and another part of me really doesn’t want to go at all and to just carry on as I am. However, I know this isn’t an option. I can’t go back on this, I HAVE to go. I haven’t waited nearly 6 weeks from when I first sat in front of the doctor and told him I needed help. Again.

I am SO scared. Scared of the unknown, this is the first time I have gone to an assessment or appointment with this much determination and realisation that I am ready to move on and get my life back. I am scared they won’t take me seriously and will dismiss me as a timewaster who has had all the help in the past and still isn’t better. I am scared they won’t be able to help me at all and will cast me aside as a lost cause. I am scared of the hard work and the HUGH changes I am going to have to make over the coming months. Most of all though, I am scared of failing. In fact, I am terrified of failing. I can’t live like this any longer, it is literally destroying me and yet am I really strong enough to beat this? I feel like I am on mission impossible most of the time with this but I guess I won’t know until I try.

Wish me luck, I am going to need lots of it.