Fresh start

I have finally decided enough is enough and I can’t go on living like this. In fact, I made the decision a few weeks ago but things have already slipped so I now need to start working towards getting better and not just saying I want to. Action is needed and not just words. The secrecy and lies need to stop and the fight needs to begin.

Seeing as it is time for honesty, here goes…

I suffer from an eating disorder. Many people close to me are already aware that I have struggled for years to get on top of things but despite appearing to be in control and a lot “better” in recent times I am still just as bad and I need to get better. My home life is settled now so it’s time to settle my health and start making the changes and finally beat my demons so I can actually enjoy life and have fun again without constantly stressing about food 24/7.

I went to the doctors on 28th July and am being referred to the eating disorders clinic. I just have to wait for an appointment but at least I have taken the first step and am now in the system. Again.

From today onwards though I am going to try to make a start myself while I await the professionals help. I am going to TRY to be less controlling over the food I eat, I am going to TRY not to binge, I am going to TRY not to make myself sick if I do binge, I am going to TRY to stop using laxatives and most importantly I am going to TRY to be 100% honest with both myself and those around me as to how I am feeling and what I am thinking with regards to my irrational thought process.

I am going to use this blog to vent my frustration, share my achievements and just generally pour my heart out in the hope it helps. Feel free to read and track my journey but one thing I will just say is please do not comment on my weight whether I have dropped some or put on some. It triggers me and I would rather talk about other things. Treat me normally but if I need a friend please be there to support me. This journey I am once again attempting is going to be very difficult but with the love and support of those around me I think I will be ok.

A lot of this probably won’t even make sense to anyone except me but bear with it if you care and you will hopefully see my struggles are slowing easing and the real Haze is emerging once again.