Hard to blog

I am finding it hard to blog. Ever since I started my therapy sessions, I feel like I can’t face updating this. I have been very up and down lately. Part of me finds the sessions a trigger and part of me thinks they are helping albeit very slowly. Maybe you have to get worse to start getting better? Currently though all I want to do is binge which I am finding very hard to control. I just want to eat constantly. I have had a few episodes lately where I have binged but haven’t purged and it has made me worse. The more I eat, the more I want to eat and “don’t care”, well, at least until the next day when I have to deal with all the guilt which inevitably occurs. Following these disgusting binges I only feel “back on track” if I can starve myself the following day or do a stupid amount of exercise. It is driving me mad and yet I can’t seem to stop these urges and all I want to do is EAT. I am piling on weight at a rapid rate and soon I am going to be the fattest person at the therapy sessions :-(

The last session, number 3, touched on the biological effects of vomiting, laxative abusive and excessive exercise. I already knew the main facts about the normal forms of purging; vomiting and laxatives, however, I wasn’t aware until now that excessive exercise as a direct result of coping with over-eating is also a form of bulimia. It has really got me thinking that so many more people have problems than would care to admit. I know I am obsessive about exercise whether I am doing enough, too much or none but I hadn’t realised you could interpret over-exercising as a form of purging. However, having listened to the psychologist explain this it all makes sense. I have every symptom of it. I thought exercising was healthy, clearly not in my case!