Why when I am angry at something or someone I punish myself? I get myself so wound up that I default to my “coping” mechanism and mess up. I think it is a distraction technique and yet it never solves the anger just transfers it inwardly. I know it is stupid and irrational but I seem to do it anyway. The same goes for grief, and weirdly, intense happiness. It is like I don’t feel I deserve to feel happy and allow myself to enjoy anything so I binge and make myself feel awful tarnishing whatever good news I have had.
Reading that back I can see how ridiculous it sounds, the events which trigger those emotions are generally always out of my control and yet I take that control back by punishing myself and creating the feelings I know only too well; disgust and inner hatred.
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