We spent one of our therapy sessions going over body image and how our own perspective of ourselves is often distorted and not how others see us. Sufferers of bulimia always focus on the negative and never the positive.
This session has changed a few things for me. Admittedly it didn’t during the therapy, but, afterwards when working through the “homework” sheet it made me see things much differently.
I had to leave the session early so assumed that our homework was to go through the whole booklet (4 A4 sides) and work through it. So I did. However, at the next group session we were only supposed to complete the back page. I am glad I did the whole thing as I don’t think I would have managed the final page very well if I hadn’t. Basically, the 2 homework exercises were to firstly list 5 things you like about your appearance and secondly 5 things you like about yourself not related to your appearance (e.g. personality). You were allowed to ask a friend/relative if you got stuck but, seeing as I was doing the worksheet at work I couldn’t! What enabled me to do it was the fact that on the previous page it was all about body functions (e.g. I like me legs as they enable me to walk). This REALLY made me view my body in a completely different light. It made me see that without body functions I take for granted (and abuse) I am very limited in what I can do. I have already had a lot of health problems over the years and I know that some of them could have been avoided or not been as bad if I hadn’t been abusing myself in this way. Now, I am NOT going to dwell on this because what is done is done. However, I AM going to keep it at the back of my mind and use it to make sure I don’t inflict any more health problems on myself which are in my control.
Since Friday’s session in which I broke down when talking about this (my Dad lost both his legs before he died…I still have mine) I have been much more positive, enjoyed the weekend and consciously been eating a lot better. Subsequently, I haven’t even wanted to binge. I know I probably will have a few more “wobbles” as that is all part of recovery but I really believe these are going to become less and less and eventually STOP.
First off though a foot operation on 5th March…
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Reflecting
So, today would have been my Dad’s 75th birthday and instead of feeling sad, I am reflecting on the past and remembering the GOOD times and not dwelling on the bad.
Recently, I really think I may have turned a corner. After the whole Christmas/New Year debacle I was on a massive downer and really thought I was failing and that the battle was too far gone. I started to believe I was destined to suffer from bulimia forever and had resigned myself to it. Or so I thought. It was only after suffering a complete meltdown on the husband the other week which enabled me to phone my doctor (on the advice of a friend) and pour my heart out to him. Being honest and getting everything off my chest as I was starting to think the group therapy was triggering me more than it was helping and that I needed a different form of help. He then decided he would phone one of the psychologists from the group and request a 1:1 after the following session. The relief I felt after the phone call was immense and that, itself helped me to have a much better week. Friday’s session came and I cried in it after realising something very important (more on that later) and then I went to my 1:1 where the psychologist made me see that I AM making progress and it is natural to get slightly worse before you get better as you are essentially stripping everything you’ve known for the past however many years and starting again. After the 1:1 I had a massive “blow-out” and felt awful but it help me re-focus and realise it wasn’t what I wanted at all. I had been dreading the weekend as friends were staying and it would literally be a weekend focussed on eating and drinking. However, I survived. AND I enjoyed it. I then had a long and lovely phone call with a dear, dear friend which made me realise just how far I have come and made me really start to BELIEVE that I can do this and I WILL recover.
I know I am probably still in the first part of the journey and it won’t be easy, but, having re-focussed on things I want to get better and I want to enjoy EVERY weekend (and the weeks too!) without constantly stressing about food.
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill
Recently, I really think I may have turned a corner. After the whole Christmas/New Year debacle I was on a massive downer and really thought I was failing and that the battle was too far gone. I started to believe I was destined to suffer from bulimia forever and had resigned myself to it. Or so I thought. It was only after suffering a complete meltdown on the husband the other week which enabled me to phone my doctor (on the advice of a friend) and pour my heart out to him. Being honest and getting everything off my chest as I was starting to think the group therapy was triggering me more than it was helping and that I needed a different form of help. He then decided he would phone one of the psychologists from the group and request a 1:1 after the following session. The relief I felt after the phone call was immense and that, itself helped me to have a much better week. Friday’s session came and I cried in it after realising something very important (more on that later) and then I went to my 1:1 where the psychologist made me see that I AM making progress and it is natural to get slightly worse before you get better as you are essentially stripping everything you’ve known for the past however many years and starting again. After the 1:1 I had a massive “blow-out” and felt awful but it help me re-focus and realise it wasn’t what I wanted at all. I had been dreading the weekend as friends were staying and it would literally be a weekend focussed on eating and drinking. However, I survived. AND I enjoyed it. I then had a long and lovely phone call with a dear, dear friend which made me realise just how far I have come and made me really start to BELIEVE that I can do this and I WILL recover.
I know I am probably still in the first part of the journey and it won’t be easy, but, having re-focussed on things I want to get better and I want to enjoy EVERY weekend (and the weeks too!) without constantly stressing about food.
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill
Monday, 16 January 2012
A long overdue update
Happy New Year! Or is it?!
So, I know since therapy started I haven’t been keeping up with this blog and it isn’t necessarily because I haven’t needed to it is more because I am trying to focus my energy into one thing at a time. However, seeing as work is very quiet today I thought I would take the opportunity to come on here and give a rundown. Might help get my head straight as it is a bit all over the place at the moment.
I survived the festive period. It was very up and down which I guess is to be expected. I was starting to make good progress with the therapy sessions and implementing changes which I was sticking to….until Christmas came along and a 3 week break from the hospital. It couldn’t have come at a worse time to be honest. I was doing quite well but not well enough to be able to cope with Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing everyone but all the food freaked me out and all got a bit much. I just hope I didn’t ruin it for others. I had planned to cook on Christmas Day as we were hosting but when it came down to it I got too stressed and couldn’t handle it so my brother’s fiancée had to take over. I felt awful but she was such a star, I just hope she doesn’t think less of me now especially as I haven’t heard from either of them since they went home on Boxing Day…we did have a good day but dealing with the over-indulgence the following day was tough. We headed up to Edinburgh for a few days on 27th and it was SO good to get away but obviously after a day the food issues followed me and when we got home I had a bit of a meltdown. When I needed a therapy session most I still had to wait.
So, I geared up for New Year, you know the usual, new year new me and all that crap. Get 2011 out of the way and I will be much better. Hmmmm. Or not. I rested quite a lot on going back to work and a routine but then when it happened it didn’t make a difference which only made me feel worse. Already the start of the year was spoilt and it looked certain of getting worse and worse all over again. However, the next therapy session (6th one, halfway through. Eeek!) came along and pulled me out of the whole I was digging at a rapid rate. The following week I had a great week, fresh motivation and 6 ‘good’ days. Amazing! The best week since therapy began. So, I am hoping to now build on this although feeling a bit wobbly today and worried one good week will be followed by one bad one to balance it out....
Onwards and upwards, focus on the positives and keep fighting. That is going to be my motto for this year. Let’s hope it works!
So, I know since therapy started I haven’t been keeping up with this blog and it isn’t necessarily because I haven’t needed to it is more because I am trying to focus my energy into one thing at a time. However, seeing as work is very quiet today I thought I would take the opportunity to come on here and give a rundown. Might help get my head straight as it is a bit all over the place at the moment.
I survived the festive period. It was very up and down which I guess is to be expected. I was starting to make good progress with the therapy sessions and implementing changes which I was sticking to….until Christmas came along and a 3 week break from the hospital. It couldn’t have come at a worse time to be honest. I was doing quite well but not well enough to be able to cope with Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing everyone but all the food freaked me out and all got a bit much. I just hope I didn’t ruin it for others. I had planned to cook on Christmas Day as we were hosting but when it came down to it I got too stressed and couldn’t handle it so my brother’s fiancée had to take over. I felt awful but she was such a star, I just hope she doesn’t think less of me now especially as I haven’t heard from either of them since they went home on Boxing Day…we did have a good day but dealing with the over-indulgence the following day was tough. We headed up to Edinburgh for a few days on 27th and it was SO good to get away but obviously after a day the food issues followed me and when we got home I had a bit of a meltdown. When I needed a therapy session most I still had to wait.
So, I geared up for New Year, you know the usual, new year new me and all that crap. Get 2011 out of the way and I will be much better. Hmmmm. Or not. I rested quite a lot on going back to work and a routine but then when it happened it didn’t make a difference which only made me feel worse. Already the start of the year was spoilt and it looked certain of getting worse and worse all over again. However, the next therapy session (6th one, halfway through. Eeek!) came along and pulled me out of the whole I was digging at a rapid rate. The following week I had a great week, fresh motivation and 6 ‘good’ days. Amazing! The best week since therapy began. So, I am hoping to now build on this although feeling a bit wobbly today and worried one good week will be followed by one bad one to balance it out....
Onwards and upwards, focus on the positives and keep fighting. That is going to be my motto for this year. Let’s hope it works!
Thursday, 15 December 2011
Big week
So, not only has it been a big week for starting to make changes, it has also been a big week for telling people about my problems. I opened up to my Mum, and also my boss. My Mum was probably the hardest but before Christmas it had to be done. She was ok. She will never properly get it but at least she is aware again and hopefully will see my determination and support me in her own way. However that is.
My boss was lovely. I couldn’t have asked for a nicer response. The main reason for telling her was because there was a big Christmas buffet on Wednesday in the office and despite wanting to try and handle it I wasn’t very confident I would succeed. So, I asked if I could work from our other office and told her why. She was great and now she knows means that if ever there is another similar situation I can avoid it. What a relief that was and yesterday I got loads done without being surrounded by food!
Today, however, the leftover food from yesterday was brought out and put DIRECTLY BEHIND my desk. ARGH!!!! My boss even sent me an email asking if I was ok about it. Bless her. Although, after my initial panic, I feel fine and strong again having not touched anything I didn’t bring myself and now it is time to go home for the week. Phew!!
My boss was lovely. I couldn’t have asked for a nicer response. The main reason for telling her was because there was a big Christmas buffet on Wednesday in the office and despite wanting to try and handle it I wasn’t very confident I would succeed. So, I asked if I could work from our other office and told her why. She was great and now she knows means that if ever there is another similar situation I can avoid it. What a relief that was and yesterday I got loads done without being surrounded by food!
Today, however, the leftover food from yesterday was brought out and put DIRECTLY BEHIND my desk. ARGH!!!! My boss even sent me an email asking if I was ok about it. Bless her. Although, after my initial panic, I feel fine and strong again having not touched anything I didn’t bring myself and now it is time to go home for the week. Phew!!
Turning a corner...in the right direction?
Well, last week was horrible and I was losing all hope thinking that I just needed to resign myself to a life of bingeing and purging as that was all I had become. But then I went to my therapy session on Friday. I had been thinking the therapy was triggering, however, I now think that maybe you just have to get worse and hit rock bottom before you can get up, dust yourself off and start actually recovering. And, my friends, that is exactly how I feel right now.
Friday’s session was all about re-introducing regular meals every day consisting of 3 main meals and 3 snacks. Their guideline is the following:
8am – breakfast
10.30am – morning snack
12.30pm – lunch
3.30pm – afternoon snack
6.30pm – evening meal
8.30pm – evening snack
On paper it looks TERRIFYING. However, I decided to start making small changes to my diet (after having a full on binge after Friday’s session to get the thought “out of my system”). I decided to introduce a PROPER breakfast of cereal and not just an apple, then apple as a morning snack, lunch, more fruit for afternoon snack, dinner and a yoghurt for the evening snack. The 2 hardest ones for me are the proper breakfast and the evening snack. I started this from Monday.
Monday, I managed it. Woohoo!
Tuesday…I managed it…right up until the evening snack which turned into a binge :-(
However, rather than letting it spiral and carrying on into Wednesday and onwards, I dusted myself off and got “back on track” rather than trying desperately hard to starve myself and/or binge again. I might not have managed to have my PROPER breakfast, but, I did start eating again at the morning snack and I managed my evening snack.
Today is Thursday and so far so good. I am not going to get too ahead of myself as I think that is where I went wrong on Tuesday, however, I am looking forward to tomorrow’s therapy for the first time and hoping to build on the good week I have had. Plus, after last week’s session I went for coffee with 2 of the other fellow battlers and we have been supporting each other throughout this week which has been an ENORMOUS help. We are planning to go for a drink afterwards again tomorrow and maybe even our morning snack!
Friday’s session was all about re-introducing regular meals every day consisting of 3 main meals and 3 snacks. Their guideline is the following:
8am – breakfast
10.30am – morning snack
12.30pm – lunch
3.30pm – afternoon snack
6.30pm – evening meal
8.30pm – evening snack
On paper it looks TERRIFYING. However, I decided to start making small changes to my diet (after having a full on binge after Friday’s session to get the thought “out of my system”). I decided to introduce a PROPER breakfast of cereal and not just an apple, then apple as a morning snack, lunch, more fruit for afternoon snack, dinner and a yoghurt for the evening snack. The 2 hardest ones for me are the proper breakfast and the evening snack. I started this from Monday.
Monday, I managed it. Woohoo!
Tuesday…I managed it…right up until the evening snack which turned into a binge :-(
However, rather than letting it spiral and carrying on into Wednesday and onwards, I dusted myself off and got “back on track” rather than trying desperately hard to starve myself and/or binge again. I might not have managed to have my PROPER breakfast, but, I did start eating again at the morning snack and I managed my evening snack.
Today is Thursday and so far so good. I am not going to get too ahead of myself as I think that is where I went wrong on Tuesday, however, I am looking forward to tomorrow’s therapy for the first time and hoping to build on the good week I have had. Plus, after last week’s session I went for coffee with 2 of the other fellow battlers and we have been supporting each other throughout this week which has been an ENORMOUS help. We are planning to go for a drink afterwards again tomorrow and maybe even our morning snack!
Monday, 5 December 2011
The ongoing struggle
A lot has happened since I last posted on here. I have aged a year, had 2 more group therapy sessions and messed up a lot. Therapy is tough, and although I knew it would be, I am still really struggling with it. I feel like I am getting left behind a bit and not necessarily giving it my all. Part of me isn’t sure I am capable of doing this as I really don’t feel strong enough and another part of me isn’t sure whether it is going to help anyway. I know I am being a bit defeatist, one of my worse traits, but all the therapy has made me do so far is binge and put more ideas in my head when I am trying to get rid of them!!
I am trying so hard to be positive and keep fighting this but each day that goes passed, it just seems to get harder.
I am trying so hard to be positive and keep fighting this but each day that goes passed, it just seems to get harder.
Hard to blog
I am finding it hard to blog. Ever since I started my therapy sessions, I feel like I can’t face updating this. I have been very up and down lately. Part of me finds the sessions a trigger and part of me thinks they are helping albeit very slowly. Maybe you have to get worse to start getting better? Currently though all I want to do is binge which I am finding very hard to control. I just want to eat constantly. I have had a few episodes lately where I have binged but haven’t purged and it has made me worse. The more I eat, the more I want to eat and “don’t care”, well, at least until the next day when I have to deal with all the guilt which inevitably occurs. Following these disgusting binges I only feel “back on track” if I can starve myself the following day or do a stupid amount of exercise. It is driving me mad and yet I can’t seem to stop these urges and all I want to do is EAT. I am piling on weight at a rapid rate and soon I am going to be the fattest person at the therapy sessions :-(
The last session, number 3, touched on the biological effects of vomiting, laxative abusive and excessive exercise. I already knew the main facts about the normal forms of purging; vomiting and laxatives, however, I wasn’t aware until now that excessive exercise as a direct result of coping with over-eating is also a form of bulimia. It has really got me thinking that so many more people have problems than would care to admit. I know I am obsessive about exercise whether I am doing enough, too much or none but I hadn’t realised you could interpret over-exercising as a form of purging. However, having listened to the psychologist explain this it all makes sense. I have every symptom of it. I thought exercising was healthy, clearly not in my case!
The last session, number 3, touched on the biological effects of vomiting, laxative abusive and excessive exercise. I already knew the main facts about the normal forms of purging; vomiting and laxatives, however, I wasn’t aware until now that excessive exercise as a direct result of coping with over-eating is also a form of bulimia. It has really got me thinking that so many more people have problems than would care to admit. I know I am obsessive about exercise whether I am doing enough, too much or none but I hadn’t realised you could interpret over-exercising as a form of purging. However, having listened to the psychologist explain this it all makes sense. I have every symptom of it. I thought exercising was healthy, clearly not in my case!
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