Self hatred

I hate how I look. I am far too thin and yet I can't increase/change what I'm eating without bingeing. I can't handle more or different types of food but I know I look awful, it's not me anymore and when I look in the mirror I hate, no, detest what I see. I know logically it makes no sense, I want/need to increase my weight but I just can't do it without going crazy and eating everything in sight.

Come down

On a bit of a come down today, being tired isn’t helping either. Have had a really busy week and feel a bit lost now that the plans I have been looking forward to for ages are over. I saw one of my closest friends this week for the first time in over a year. She moved to New Zealand nearly 5 years ago and is back over in the UK for a week for a conference. It has been SO good to see her and makes me realise just how much I miss her. I just wish that in 5 years I had rid myself of my demons. However, I am determined not to dwell on this and to use it as more motivation to work hard to get better. Maybe then, I can start saving and focussing on going over to Auckland to visit her. I should save a fair bit of money once I stop the binges so could put this in a travel fund, use it as an incentive to beat this illness.

Also, this week I have been to London to see Shrek, it was amazing and I absolutely loved it. I went with a dear friend of mine and we spent the rest of the day catching up. It was great and I had been looking forward to it for ages. But, like my other friend’s visit, that is now over.

To be honest, I feel a bit deflated and down. I have a very quiet weekend planned, spending it with my lovely husband, and, by the looks of it enjoying the weather! I am really looking forward to it as I love spending time just me and him and it is something we haven’t been able to do for too long but I just feel sad today. Sad and drained. I really hope I can snap out of it by the time I get home as I really don’t want to ruin the weekend for us both, I want to make the most of it. However, I am scared I won’t be able to cheer up (through absolutely no fault of my husbands) and will be miserable all weekend wasting the chance for us to enjoy each other’s company, just the two of us. I really don’t want to do that as I put him through enough already and I know how much he has been looking forward to a weekend off, some quality time together. I want nothing more than to make him happy, but first I need to make me happy and the way I feel at the moment it seems like mission impossible.

Office Party

So, today I am working from a different office to see what goes on behind the scenes in our department. It is a much, nicer, friendlier environment and also closer to home. Everyone I have been introduced to has been lovely and really encouraging, why can’t I work here more often? Unfortunately it isn’t where my boss is based very often so it is unlikely I will come here again.

However, the only downside has been the fact they had an “office party” for a well-loved member of staff’s last day. I knew about this before I came and was one of the reasons they chose today for me to work from here, because more people I needed to meet would be attending. Since I found out about the party, I have been planning to use it as an opportunity to binge. Lots of free food, buffet style and no-one here knows me. Even this morning as I was driving in I couldn’t wait for midday. However, once it got here I made a split-second decision NOT to listen to my head which was telling me to go crazy and eat all the bad food. I, instead, stayed at my desk (apart from for the speeches) and got on with work, and emailing a friend which kept my mind occupied. Without that, it would have been a completely different story and I would now be trying to sneak yet more food to eat at my desk and planning to stop at various shops for more on the way home. I no longer want to do that, I am going to go round to a friend’s house for a cuppa and then go home hopefully timing my arrival with that of my husband. It hasn’t been easy but it is another small victory to hold onto.

Blood tests

So, I had my bloods done and phoned up for the results this morning. The receptionist then informed me that they were back but there was a note on them saying that the Doctor needed to speak to me about them. PANIC!! I then had to wait for her to phone me back. I am not the most patient of people at the best of times but now I had the added worry of what the hell my results showed.

When she did eventually call back, felt like forever, she told me the following:

My oestrogen levels are low
My calcium levels are low
My red blood cell count is a problem

All the results are borderline so no immediate panic, they just need to be monitored and I have to repeat the tests in 2 months time. Plus, once I have the bone scan we will know more as to how the low calcium and oestrogen is affecting my bone density and what the risk of osteoporosis is.

Now, I know this is my own fault and relates directly to my eating but I am still panicking about the fact I need to up my calcium intake in my diet. My diet is currently awful, I know this but the thought of having to change what I can handle is REALLY freaking me out. I know the ins and outs of what I should be eating and what I should be doing but I just can’t seem to be able to put it into practice.

I am scared. I know I am destroying my body by carrying on like this but I can’t seem to take that step to help myself yet. I don’t feel strong enough. I can’[t do this on my own. I just wish the help would come soon and yet having spoken to my doctor it seems the wait will continue…

The waiting game

I haven’t yet received my follow-up letter after my assessment at the clinic. I know it has only been 2 weeks. However, it has still been TWO weeks. I am impatient. I want to know when I am going to start my therapy. I need to start my therapy. I am ready to start my recovery journey NOW, I don’t want to wait much longer. I am not sure I can. I feel like I am on the edge and if I don’t hear soon I will topple over that edge and lose it completely. I am struggling. I can admit that. Please hurry up, I want my life back.

Too busy to blog :-(

Work is getting in the way of my blogging as it as suddenly gone a bit mad. Good in some ways as it means my mind is occupied, not in others as i could really do without the stress or at least wish i could blog about it!!

Had a bad start to the week, felt really low all day Monday and very panicky/anxious. I had to go into work later as i had a meeting to minute (which i hate) and the change in my routine really messed with my head. As a result i couldn't concentrate on the meeting at all and found myself stressing about food, weight and all my default self-destruction thoughts. It was awful and then i could not snap out of it or "turn my brain" off when i got home. Was so glad when it was over and also so glad i had the use of a dictaphone for the meeting, otherwise when it comes to typing the minutes up today they would be all about how fat and disgusting i am and how much i want to binge...not sure my work colleagues need/want to know that.

Confidence crisis

I had my haircut yesterday and I hate it. It desperately needed doing as it hadn’t been cut for over 3 months, since the wedding, so when my Mum said her hairdresser was going to hers yesterday I asked if I could join her. The warning sign should have been the fact that it was MY MUM’S HAIRDRESSER. However, as it was my day off I went round and showed her photos from the wedding so she could see how I wanted my hair cut. She clearly ignored these and chopped far too much off. I like my hair to frame my face but be a bit longer than chin level as I like the security of having it there and it hiding my chubby chin(s) and round face. It no longer does this, it sits just above and that is if I straighten it as much as it will straighten.

The hairdresser also had the cheek to tell me there were “a lot of grey hairs” underneath. Thanks. I thought going to the hairdresser was supposed to make you feel good about yourself?

I don’t have a lot of self-confidence anyway but now I have even less. I look like a boy. At least it will grow and I hope it grows back very quickly. On the plus side (I am trying desperately hard to look at the positive) at least I won’t have to have it cut for ages.