Monday 30 April 2012
Life is too short
I found out today that my next door neighbour passed away yesterday after a stroke. Her husband died back in December and she never got over it. They were a very well-known couple in our village and I even worked for them when I was at school. I saw their son-in-law earlier while out walking and he was saying how life is too short and that we should make the most of the precious time we have. If only he realised how much I needed to hear that today and regain my focus. It is just a shame it accompanies such sad news but at least my neighbours are back together again in heaven.
Why?
Why do I care so much what others think? Why am I so hung up on not putting on weight and yet know that I need to in order for my body to function properly? Why does it matter so much? Why can't I just be happy to be alive? I have an amazing husband, a gorgeous dog, a beautiful house, fantastic family and yet I am not happy. Why? I wish I knew the answer, I wish I could just relax and be satisified with what I have got rather than stressing and worrying about what is missing. I always focus on the negative and dwell on the bad stuff yet I don't know why. I HATE feeling so shit most of the time and yet I can't seem to get over it no matter how hard I try. Maybe that is the problem, I'm trying too hard.
I wish I knew the answer and could fix it. What is best? Who knows? Least of all me at the moment. However, I WILL not stop until I find out.
New week, let's begin again. Again.
After a positive start to last week, the end of my week got ahead of me and had a few "slip ups" from Thursday onwards. However, I still (mostly) managed to enjoy my weekend and despite feeling unsure of how today was going to turn out, I finally am starting to feel brighter and a bit more positive again. It w3as a slow starting morning but I managed my breakfast and feel much better now.
I also have a new porject to help keep me occupied. I am helping to organise and coordinate a music event at our local village hall which takes place next month. Not working has seen me have way too much time on my hands but now I have a few tasks to do and things to get involved in. Just managing to write a 'to do' list and be able to slowly cross things off helps. At least that way i can track my progress for each day. Small steps again, maybe even shuffles, but at least they are going in the right direction.
Here's to the sunshine, that has obviously lifted me too!!
I also have a new porject to help keep me occupied. I am helping to organise and coordinate a music event at our local village hall which takes place next month. Not working has seen me have way too much time on my hands but now I have a few tasks to do and things to get involved in. Just managing to write a 'to do' list and be able to slowly cross things off helps. At least that way i can track my progress for each day. Small steps again, maybe even shuffles, but at least they are going in the right direction.
Here's to the sunshine, that has obviously lifted me too!!
Wednesday 25 April 2012
It has been a while!
I haven't posted for a very long time, or even been on here for that matter. I would love to tell you it is because I have been recovering amazingly and living life to the full but that would be a blatant lie. However, lots has happened and although I remain very up and down in my progress I AM still FIGHTING. That is one thing that will never stop.
Where do I start? Since my last post, lots of things have happened. Weekly therapy finished (3 month follow-up fast approaching), I went to America with a friend, finished my temping job, had foot surgery, stayed with my Mum for a couple of weeks, had the 5 year anniversary of my Dad's death and many other less significant things. In all that time the only constant was my bulimia. I used it as a way of coping for all the things that happened and also to occupy me at times when I felt as if i was dying of boredom. I have felt like I have been steadily falling apart over the last couple of months and much worse in my eating and mood than I have ever been. However, I finally used all my time to think (am still not working or doing a lot due to my foot amongst other things) and phoned my 'Care Coordinator' at the hospital last Thursday. I arranged to meet with her for a review this week to catch up on things and brainstorm ways to occupy my days better rather than opting for my default 'time-filler' of bulimia. Since speaking on Thursday I feel better and have had an amazing weekend, met with the psychologist and actually realised I am doing a hell of a lot better than I thought I was. What I was tending to do because I have a stupid amount of time to myself alone was to dwell on the bad days, not realising that there were (most weeks) more good than bad. Actually talking to her and saying things out loud made me see things a lot clearer and realise just how far I have come on my journey. Yes, I still have a few bad days BUT I am picking myself up better than I EVER have AND I am still fighting. I will get there eventually and I know I am only at the beginning of my epic journey but for once this doesn't scare me, it only makes me more determined to keep going no matter how small my steps seem so far.
Where do I start? Since my last post, lots of things have happened. Weekly therapy finished (3 month follow-up fast approaching), I went to America with a friend, finished my temping job, had foot surgery, stayed with my Mum for a couple of weeks, had the 5 year anniversary of my Dad's death and many other less significant things. In all that time the only constant was my bulimia. I used it as a way of coping for all the things that happened and also to occupy me at times when I felt as if i was dying of boredom. I have felt like I have been steadily falling apart over the last couple of months and much worse in my eating and mood than I have ever been. However, I finally used all my time to think (am still not working or doing a lot due to my foot amongst other things) and phoned my 'Care Coordinator' at the hospital last Thursday. I arranged to meet with her for a review this week to catch up on things and brainstorm ways to occupy my days better rather than opting for my default 'time-filler' of bulimia. Since speaking on Thursday I feel better and have had an amazing weekend, met with the psychologist and actually realised I am doing a hell of a lot better than I thought I was. What I was tending to do because I have a stupid amount of time to myself alone was to dwell on the bad days, not realising that there were (most weeks) more good than bad. Actually talking to her and saying things out loud made me see things a lot clearer and realise just how far I have come on my journey. Yes, I still have a few bad days BUT I am picking myself up better than I EVER have AND I am still fighting. I will get there eventually and I know I am only at the beginning of my epic journey but for once this doesn't scare me, it only makes me more determined to keep going no matter how small my steps seem so far.
Wednesday 1 February 2012
Body Image
We spent one of our therapy sessions going over body image and how our own perspective of ourselves is often distorted and not how others see us. Sufferers of bulimia always focus on the negative and never the positive.
This session has changed a few things for me. Admittedly it didn’t during the therapy, but, afterwards when working through the “homework” sheet it made me see things much differently.
I had to leave the session early so assumed that our homework was to go through the whole booklet (4 A4 sides) and work through it. So I did. However, at the next group session we were only supposed to complete the back page. I am glad I did the whole thing as I don’t think I would have managed the final page very well if I hadn’t. Basically, the 2 homework exercises were to firstly list 5 things you like about your appearance and secondly 5 things you like about yourself not related to your appearance (e.g. personality). You were allowed to ask a friend/relative if you got stuck but, seeing as I was doing the worksheet at work I couldn’t! What enabled me to do it was the fact that on the previous page it was all about body functions (e.g. I like me legs as they enable me to walk). This REALLY made me view my body in a completely different light. It made me see that without body functions I take for granted (and abuse) I am very limited in what I can do. I have already had a lot of health problems over the years and I know that some of them could have been avoided or not been as bad if I hadn’t been abusing myself in this way. Now, I am NOT going to dwell on this because what is done is done. However, I AM going to keep it at the back of my mind and use it to make sure I don’t inflict any more health problems on myself which are in my control.
Since Friday’s session in which I broke down when talking about this (my Dad lost both his legs before he died…I still have mine) I have been much more positive, enjoyed the weekend and consciously been eating a lot better. Subsequently, I haven’t even wanted to binge. I know I probably will have a few more “wobbles” as that is all part of recovery but I really believe these are going to become less and less and eventually STOP.
First off though a foot operation on 5th March…
This session has changed a few things for me. Admittedly it didn’t during the therapy, but, afterwards when working through the “homework” sheet it made me see things much differently.
I had to leave the session early so assumed that our homework was to go through the whole booklet (4 A4 sides) and work through it. So I did. However, at the next group session we were only supposed to complete the back page. I am glad I did the whole thing as I don’t think I would have managed the final page very well if I hadn’t. Basically, the 2 homework exercises were to firstly list 5 things you like about your appearance and secondly 5 things you like about yourself not related to your appearance (e.g. personality). You were allowed to ask a friend/relative if you got stuck but, seeing as I was doing the worksheet at work I couldn’t! What enabled me to do it was the fact that on the previous page it was all about body functions (e.g. I like me legs as they enable me to walk). This REALLY made me view my body in a completely different light. It made me see that without body functions I take for granted (and abuse) I am very limited in what I can do. I have already had a lot of health problems over the years and I know that some of them could have been avoided or not been as bad if I hadn’t been abusing myself in this way. Now, I am NOT going to dwell on this because what is done is done. However, I AM going to keep it at the back of my mind and use it to make sure I don’t inflict any more health problems on myself which are in my control.
Since Friday’s session in which I broke down when talking about this (my Dad lost both his legs before he died…I still have mine) I have been much more positive, enjoyed the weekend and consciously been eating a lot better. Subsequently, I haven’t even wanted to binge. I know I probably will have a few more “wobbles” as that is all part of recovery but I really believe these are going to become less and less and eventually STOP.
First off though a foot operation on 5th March…
Reflecting
So, today would have been my Dad’s 75th birthday and instead of feeling sad, I am reflecting on the past and remembering the GOOD times and not dwelling on the bad.
Recently, I really think I may have turned a corner. After the whole Christmas/New Year debacle I was on a massive downer and really thought I was failing and that the battle was too far gone. I started to believe I was destined to suffer from bulimia forever and had resigned myself to it. Or so I thought. It was only after suffering a complete meltdown on the husband the other week which enabled me to phone my doctor (on the advice of a friend) and pour my heart out to him. Being honest and getting everything off my chest as I was starting to think the group therapy was triggering me more than it was helping and that I needed a different form of help. He then decided he would phone one of the psychologists from the group and request a 1:1 after the following session. The relief I felt after the phone call was immense and that, itself helped me to have a much better week. Friday’s session came and I cried in it after realising something very important (more on that later) and then I went to my 1:1 where the psychologist made me see that I AM making progress and it is natural to get slightly worse before you get better as you are essentially stripping everything you’ve known for the past however many years and starting again. After the 1:1 I had a massive “blow-out” and felt awful but it help me re-focus and realise it wasn’t what I wanted at all. I had been dreading the weekend as friends were staying and it would literally be a weekend focussed on eating and drinking. However, I survived. AND I enjoyed it. I then had a long and lovely phone call with a dear, dear friend which made me realise just how far I have come and made me really start to BELIEVE that I can do this and I WILL recover.
I know I am probably still in the first part of the journey and it won’t be easy, but, having re-focussed on things I want to get better and I want to enjoy EVERY weekend (and the weeks too!) without constantly stressing about food.
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill
Recently, I really think I may have turned a corner. After the whole Christmas/New Year debacle I was on a massive downer and really thought I was failing and that the battle was too far gone. I started to believe I was destined to suffer from bulimia forever and had resigned myself to it. Or so I thought. It was only after suffering a complete meltdown on the husband the other week which enabled me to phone my doctor (on the advice of a friend) and pour my heart out to him. Being honest and getting everything off my chest as I was starting to think the group therapy was triggering me more than it was helping and that I needed a different form of help. He then decided he would phone one of the psychologists from the group and request a 1:1 after the following session. The relief I felt after the phone call was immense and that, itself helped me to have a much better week. Friday’s session came and I cried in it after realising something very important (more on that later) and then I went to my 1:1 where the psychologist made me see that I AM making progress and it is natural to get slightly worse before you get better as you are essentially stripping everything you’ve known for the past however many years and starting again. After the 1:1 I had a massive “blow-out” and felt awful but it help me re-focus and realise it wasn’t what I wanted at all. I had been dreading the weekend as friends were staying and it would literally be a weekend focussed on eating and drinking. However, I survived. AND I enjoyed it. I then had a long and lovely phone call with a dear, dear friend which made me realise just how far I have come and made me really start to BELIEVE that I can do this and I WILL recover.
I know I am probably still in the first part of the journey and it won’t be easy, but, having re-focussed on things I want to get better and I want to enjoy EVERY weekend (and the weeks too!) without constantly stressing about food.
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill
Monday 16 January 2012
A long overdue update
Happy New Year! Or is it?!
So, I know since therapy started I haven’t been keeping up with this blog and it isn’t necessarily because I haven’t needed to it is more because I am trying to focus my energy into one thing at a time. However, seeing as work is very quiet today I thought I would take the opportunity to come on here and give a rundown. Might help get my head straight as it is a bit all over the place at the moment.
I survived the festive period. It was very up and down which I guess is to be expected. I was starting to make good progress with the therapy sessions and implementing changes which I was sticking to….until Christmas came along and a 3 week break from the hospital. It couldn’t have come at a worse time to be honest. I was doing quite well but not well enough to be able to cope with Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing everyone but all the food freaked me out and all got a bit much. I just hope I didn’t ruin it for others. I had planned to cook on Christmas Day as we were hosting but when it came down to it I got too stressed and couldn’t handle it so my brother’s fiancée had to take over. I felt awful but she was such a star, I just hope she doesn’t think less of me now especially as I haven’t heard from either of them since they went home on Boxing Day…we did have a good day but dealing with the over-indulgence the following day was tough. We headed up to Edinburgh for a few days on 27th and it was SO good to get away but obviously after a day the food issues followed me and when we got home I had a bit of a meltdown. When I needed a therapy session most I still had to wait.
So, I geared up for New Year, you know the usual, new year new me and all that crap. Get 2011 out of the way and I will be much better. Hmmmm. Or not. I rested quite a lot on going back to work and a routine but then when it happened it didn’t make a difference which only made me feel worse. Already the start of the year was spoilt and it looked certain of getting worse and worse all over again. However, the next therapy session (6th one, halfway through. Eeek!) came along and pulled me out of the whole I was digging at a rapid rate. The following week I had a great week, fresh motivation and 6 ‘good’ days. Amazing! The best week since therapy began. So, I am hoping to now build on this although feeling a bit wobbly today and worried one good week will be followed by one bad one to balance it out....
Onwards and upwards, focus on the positives and keep fighting. That is going to be my motto for this year. Let’s hope it works!
So, I know since therapy started I haven’t been keeping up with this blog and it isn’t necessarily because I haven’t needed to it is more because I am trying to focus my energy into one thing at a time. However, seeing as work is very quiet today I thought I would take the opportunity to come on here and give a rundown. Might help get my head straight as it is a bit all over the place at the moment.
I survived the festive period. It was very up and down which I guess is to be expected. I was starting to make good progress with the therapy sessions and implementing changes which I was sticking to….until Christmas came along and a 3 week break from the hospital. It couldn’t have come at a worse time to be honest. I was doing quite well but not well enough to be able to cope with Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing everyone but all the food freaked me out and all got a bit much. I just hope I didn’t ruin it for others. I had planned to cook on Christmas Day as we were hosting but when it came down to it I got too stressed and couldn’t handle it so my brother’s fiancée had to take over. I felt awful but she was such a star, I just hope she doesn’t think less of me now especially as I haven’t heard from either of them since they went home on Boxing Day…we did have a good day but dealing with the over-indulgence the following day was tough. We headed up to Edinburgh for a few days on 27th and it was SO good to get away but obviously after a day the food issues followed me and when we got home I had a bit of a meltdown. When I needed a therapy session most I still had to wait.
So, I geared up for New Year, you know the usual, new year new me and all that crap. Get 2011 out of the way and I will be much better. Hmmmm. Or not. I rested quite a lot on going back to work and a routine but then when it happened it didn’t make a difference which only made me feel worse. Already the start of the year was spoilt and it looked certain of getting worse and worse all over again. However, the next therapy session (6th one, halfway through. Eeek!) came along and pulled me out of the whole I was digging at a rapid rate. The following week I had a great week, fresh motivation and 6 ‘good’ days. Amazing! The best week since therapy began. So, I am hoping to now build on this although feeling a bit wobbly today and worried one good week will be followed by one bad one to balance it out....
Onwards and upwards, focus on the positives and keep fighting. That is going to be my motto for this year. Let’s hope it works!
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